Defense mechanism 2

I learn this terms again.
Repression, I cant do this because I am aware of my feeling.
Suppression, I like him too much that I pretend I did not see him whenever he was around.
Introjection, I like him too much that the way I think, the way I response similar to him.
Identication, I like him too much that I will imitate his way of walking, his way of laughing.
Displacement, I like him too much that I unconsciously put my anger toward my friend who are also close to him.
Projection, I like him too much that I made my friend to confess she likes him too and later give advice for her confession.
Reaction formation, I like him too much that I become a adviser for his admirers and his personal adviser.
Undoing, I like him too much that I told the others I will never like a guy like him.
Sublimation, I like him too much and I cant get him so I went to learn something good for spirit.
Compensation, I like him too much and I am now can live my life even better without him.
Rationalization, I like him too much and I like him just because he is smart and he has a good body.
Idealization, I like him too much that I think he is a caring and pure and nice guy ever in this world.

Admit

I finally admitted to Cindy that I still have feeling on him.
I told her because I need to express my feeling and find for some advises.

Yea, after I told her, I knew that I should not continue doing this, cause he is not doing it only on me.

I do not hope to be suffer anymore...

Being manipulated

I feel better after talked with him, but at the same time, I raised my anxiety for my exam and study.

I wanna run back to my hometown now...

Confirmation

He is not my dream guy, proven.

Just because he cant even give RM2 for doing merits, lol~~

How nice if everyone is just like Jambu, doing good deeds.

Plus this is the second day people telling me they walked together.
And everyone asking whether they are together.
I am sad. I can not stand.

Thank you for letting me have this realization.
I will not fall in love anymore.

Mad

I lost my mind because he did not reply me or anything.
Plus I heard from my roomate that today they had lunch together, and leaving together before the other dismissed.

Yea, he told that he will keep some distances from his female groupmates...
But, as 2 years are not a short period, of course there are times that they will get together...

Sign...

The feeling of insecure makes me mad, I hate this feeling.

Anything can happen within this two years.
Look, I became so uncomfortable with myself just because he did not reply me, and I heard some rumors, so, to prevent further suffering, please stop the obsessions and compulsions to him!!!!

I do not want to live a hectic life.

小气

I am hot-tempered and petty person, now I know, and I need to change!!!

Fear

I have a fear to fall in love again.
I mean, I like previous me who do not really care of him, but slowly it progresses to the scary form of care.

And I scared to be suffered like what I experienced before, loving him but have no reciprocal.

I should stop messaging him now.

Obsession

I started my obsession toward him again.
I must control or else he will be avoiding me.
He did not reply me for twice already.
Means I chatted him too frequent, and it is not good.

This is the feeling I do not want.

暧昧

I almost forgot the definition of this term after so long of communication with him.
Cause for him, chatting is nothing.
He chats with so a lot of girls. I already immune that chatting is non of the sign of admiration.

So I asked the girls.
They told me when there are choices of chatting, you choose to tell him all about your life, there are promises between two, and when you both seeing each other, smiles appear automatically.

Yes, when I was coming out from hostel, I saw him opposite of me, and I saw he immediately smile and I do not know what is it means...
Because we had long time not seeing each other?

I miss him, same goes to him?

Improving

He did not tell me about his location this time.
He started to feel that it is not easy for me to survive through my medical life.
And he complimented me become more mature and he told me I am easy to be manipulated.
I was thinking about him all during the journey back from school.
We progressively become more potential to be couple now...

When I think about this, from a very sweet internal environment, suddenly I became so stress and so suffering for this potential.
I do not know, this sweet feeling can sustain for how long and will it subsequently follow by only pain and suffering?

I am not sure.
I need to wait, and decide...

Skip a beat

I told him that a girl wanted to introduce a guy to me who she felt bored to.
He asked me to bring him along if I  meet that guy, why, cause he wants to make that guy realise he need to give up cause that girl does not care about him.

Why I feel that he was saying to bring him cause he is with me, to make that guy realise that I am owned, but lastly he switched the meaning? Errmm, is it meaning that he admitted somehow, we are having some unusual relationship?

I know he will never reveal his feeling. He is that kind of guy wont tell but act.

Then tonight I found that maybe he and she become close again...
I do not know, I do not want to know.
I... I need to let myself do not know.

Stories telling

He treats her bad recently, like he walked very fast when they walked together while he is not in that speed if he walks alone.
He did not even wish her birthday, like last year he sent her a message on 2am.
He does not feel like to be in the same space with her...
She told me their stories during the date after Pro result.
In front Joo, he told her that there is a reason he treats her bad when she complaint to Joo, and told her that one day she will know the reason.

He did not pass her attendance sheet yesterday and even today, while he will skip Sunday class, she is very angry with him.While tonight she showed me their last conversations, he was like avoid to meet her cause he already passed the attendance sheet to HK who is same posting and staying same hostel.

She told me they once shared thoughts.
Something he never tell others, he told her. Same goes to her, her problems that she told me yesterday, he knew long ago.
So she cannot understand why when she feels so close with him and started to expect, he just leaved like that.

I am always the one who contacted him first, while maybe he was happily talking to her.
And the only different is I will never expect anything from him anymore, except money.
So that is why I know more about him, I know the reason behind all these actions.

While, now I know why so many girls like him, and actually he did a lot behind but expecting others not to like him and pretending that no one will like him.

However, he was assuring to me that he will not too close with the girls in his group, was not close with Lyn, does not have a walk with her, there is nobody fancy him in his group, wanted to know my feeling to him, teasing me whether I jealous while other girls can be in same group with him.

I have these feelings, but I cannot let myself fall anymore.

Something more

I knew more of their relationship...
And I questioned myself who am I?
I am always not the only one.
I know it.

I do not feel like record it here I felt myself too silly, too evil...

Lyn needs help, hope everything will be fine.

New lifestyle

After 3 months of meaningful life, come back to school.
We have a home here now!!
Even we were tiring cleaning the room and the house, but we are happy!!
My life have changed.
I love it!!!