又妄想了 Delusioning

Last Thursday we had a group meeting about our community service.
I waited for his presence, unconsciously.
He came late, he walked to another site which was far away from me, and walked back and sat 3 meters away from me in 3 o'clock direction.
He then busy talking in his phone and walked out of the meeting room.
Actually I felt uncomfortable that I always have the delusions of he is observing me, watching me, and I tended to take peeks on him.

So, followed his leaving, I walked to my laptop and sat there and online.
Since I always can not help in discussion.
I was 5 meters away from him in 4 o'clock direction.
He came back to the room, and again I felt that he changed his posture so that he can face me.
And I knew, that is delusion.
Later, he moved to my previous seat which is empty in this stage, and talked to CH, another guy in that group.


Today, we had another meeting, after class.
We were discussing the meaning of our Chinese name, I translated that his name as "Off light", hahahahaa!!!!
And along the presentation, "Off light" went to off the lights, hahahahaa!!!!
He was the one of the presenters, I was concentrating on what he presented, and I had not much feeling toward him.
Although I still care of his laugh his actions.

Today, there is no tension between me and him.
When the doctor showed the pieces of paper with break down of our result, he walked and stood behind our chairs, and it is like before, when we never have any conflict.

He seem like excited to receive the results and he showed us his result without reluctant.
He went away.
And he came back another time to ask for our results, he said:"(Siew Mun)You saw my result already should show yours la." I am not sure that if he called my name.
I quickly hided mine while Lyn showed him.
Cause I felt my result was not in my expectation.

And I flashed back his result and I wanted to analyze and compare our results.
I went to him and asked for an exchange before dismiss.
He interested in my result.
He did not believe that I will give him my real result, he said: "Is it some other else one??"
He took his result for his wallet, and he was afraid that if I got his result and I will not let him see mine.
And known that my arms are shorter.
He can approach my result easier than me.
And I need to make effort to reach his result that hold on his hand.

He was weak in this OSCE, others was nice and good, my weakness same with him, but I got much more lower grade.
I believe that last OSCE he got a good result, cause I did well.

And he said: "Why you always C C C??"
Then I looked at him, and use the small piece of paper to hit on his palm.
And I showed him the face of "I know you can get good result la =.=, Of course I am a C kaki, can not change."

He looked at me, and do not understand my expression.
Because I was not angry with his tease, I was in a good mood that I get a better grade in essay paper, although other papers like shit.

I decide to smile at him.
I knew, I need to have some strong stand and will to not fall in love again.

I like when we are like friends.

心痒痒

旅行对我是一件很重要的事，在我还没找到自己之前。
当心不知道要在哪里的时候，它就会想到处乱飞。
旅行的时候，找资料的时候，心，就会在那个地方。
原本只想订一个地方，发展到每个月都会想去一个地方，幸好飞机票价将我hold着，哈哈！！

这次订了十天六月尾的台湾，四人成行，原本想要一起去的朋友都没跟着，怕尴尬，而阿姨又像每次那样，说要去，临买票又不想去了，我说不久后她还是会吵着我说不懂要不要去。

除了台湾，我也想去巴厘岛，河内，北京，韩国，日本，假期太长，到时才打算。

佩儿说，她去巴厘岛九天太闲了，七天就够，而且只要集好想要去的地方，就交给司机处理。

至于越南，我想要从北越，河内，去下龙湾，会安，再到岘港。

而北京，如果可以的话，我想要去个一个月，从北京，一路到杭州，上海，再下广州深圳，最后澳门上飞机。

韩国的话，十至十一天就可以了吧？？要去济州岛，南山，东大门，江南什么的。

日本的话，去东京，涉谷，迪斯尼，环球影城，再到京都，奈良，大阪~~

光想就觉得，花好多钱！！好累！！！！

可是心野就是那样。

医学四年后的计划已经出来了，去花莲学习一个月后，到日本个几天，萱说再在台湾玩个几天才回家。
我就跟着她玩吧！！

那是一种心酸

朋友，志同道合的，才是朋友。。。
当生活理想不一样，当目标不一样，朋友就不再是朋友。

别人不能接受我们的不一样。

今天去玩羽球，原来人们喜欢为自己设下一个框框，在有限的环境下无限的发挥。
以控制（力道）能力以及体力来打倒对方为胜利。。

就像人们在这个广大的监狱里，以已有的资源，为自己创造游乐场，并互相竞争，直到死亡。

当人们被局限在一个地方时，永远逃离不了，却不知自己被关着，还在为小事情烦恼，悲伤，高兴;那是可悲的。

当朋友以朋友的名义，挖出你心底的秘密，再取之以攻击你尊敬的人，你还能接受他们吗？
当他们这样做后，却不敢承认他们做了，那么，他们自己也认为他们做的是不对的吗？？

当，我们都不再解释的时候，朋友，已没那么一回事。。。

Understand

There will be no other else will understand the members in our group now.
But even that I will not stop believe what I believe.
It makes my life better.

Concern

I received concern from people.
First because I expressed my feeling in my blog, so~~~
Second, because of the rumors in the school.
Cindy, Wen Pei, Shyn Nie and Hui Shen.
I know that they are for my own good.
But the fact is, I did not change my course, right?
I wonder who is the person who told the whole world about it.
I thought the conversations are among us.

By the way, I am lazy to explain anymore, furthermore, the rumors will spread to all corners in the school anyway.

And when people said "I dun mind you become like this like that, and I dun reject you in that way"
Is it mean by actually she mind that I am different and I cant accept???

人生

话说我最近学佛。
我不喜欢当医生，不过我念过了三年，今年第四年，虽然有一年是白费了的留级年。
我一直都没什么读书，成绩马马虎虎。
我真的要这样强逼自己下去吗？
这从来就不是我的志愿。
要我念完这一年再决定吗？
还是当个地方的小医生？
一辈子就那样？？
我不想再困在这里。。。
我很挣扎。。。
我到底想怎样？？？
我的路要怎么走？？？