Bipolar

Summary: I slept from 3am to 630am, and I went to temple, came back, went to take back my money, and I kept contact Cindy so that I know every action of her, then I went celebration with her. The next day, I went to AMSA activity, and I am very tired and so I did not feel like joining the trip to our foster family and I get guilt and uncomfortable with what Lyn and Cindy to me.

Complete story:

Thursday, I went out after class for lunch, so I decided to buy the ingredient to cook for the next day.
I forgot what I did afterward, probably wasting time?
While the others get into village to distribute the towels.
Then went to cook glutinous balls and celebrated JY birthday until 1130pm, while half an hour later went to celebrate Cindy's birthday, and we chatted until 2am.
Then I cooked until 3am and sleep for 3 and half hours.
We departed at 7am to temple, I did not do much in temple, I even slept there, and we came back at 3pm.
Half an hour later, I went out to KB mall to get back my refund for not getting Samsung Corby II.
When I reached hostel it was 5pm, and rest and bathed, it was 6pm.
I went to Cindy's room since I was given a task to make her bath, or get information from her to exclude any factor that will interrupt our plan.
So later I followed any changes that happened and made plan worked.
And I started to feel neglected.

I do not feel comfortable with friends who close to me all the time.
Maybe people said I asked for it.
Because of my craziness, and my disorganization.
People who first know me, they will feel that I am cute or special, but after some time, they just change their views, and disrespect me?? and I feel I was being dumped, I was not being cherished.

Maybe I took too serious in their jokes...

And suddenly the image of CKM appeared.
When I said I am a boy, a guy, he scolded me and threatened me to kick me out of his car if I continue saying that.
Maybe I am searching for care by this method...

And I just remembered why I told him about my feeling so early.
Finally, I can stop blaming myself of my impatient in a relationship.
I wanted to develop a relationship slowly, but I knew Lyn was falling for him too at the same time, and I did not want any complicated situation to happen since I liked him very much that time.
I tried my luck.
But I failed.
And things happened after 1 year, she finally told me before this new year, and I still feel sad, luckily I can definitely tell that it is lesser harm than if she is telling me 2011.
Now that I understand, people gave up to have a relationship with their loved one, instead they maintain a friendship who they both fall for the same person, it is real.
I asked him before she told me, I tried my best, and I got the answer.
Now that she told me, and from the answer and for friendship, I should know what should I do.

For any change in the future, I can not betray my friend, and have to stop thinking of friend's boyfriend.
That is a betrayal in friendship and and disgrace as a girl.

What I want to tell CKM: "In front of you, I am just a little girl, probably deaf and mute, cannot tell what I feel what I know, and cannot understand what you tell what you mean. I am a manly girl, who is not feminine, not pretty, not sexy. Even my bad personalities and lack of responsibilities that you can see through, embarrass me. I am a bored, plain, fun-less girl you cant find any joy from. But this is the way I am. And sorry that I am not the kind of girl you like."

What I want to tell Lyn: "You are pretty, you have nice body shape without work on it. These are what I hope I have. You have a great mind, you have right sense, you do things perfectly but I do not. I kind of hope that I have the courage to speak out what I actually want, and you showed me it is easy. Maybe I am a Oriental-minded girl and you are a western-culture girl. Or maybe you are too independent and afraid to be hurt, so I get hurt. Since the day you not believe me as a friend who care you more than myself, that you never think that I will think from your aspect instead just to harm or hurt or prank you. That you are independent and do not need my help to get back your phone, and I seem like a busy body who helped you to deliver your phone. And I got scolded by your brother, I did not receive any apologize from you, instead you were telling me that that is all the others' fault. And I do think that I put too much expectations on you that I knew I will not get it from you forever, I forgot so mean it is my fault. So you are independent girl who can handle everything by yourself, and when you do not ask for it, I will assume that you do not need my help. While I might be jealous of you because of him. I always think that you are adorable and I always hope for the best for you. He is nice and compatible with you. I should wish you both the best. But I am hurt, I need time.  I am a spoiled child, and I might knew it long time ago but after you told me, and I just faced it and I think I should change. Or maybe I am too selfish, I just think of myself, I need a change, I need to change. I am too attach to someone and when I am detached, I feel lonely. I feel uncomfortable to be with you for this stage, maybe I should sort all "

What I want to tell Cindy: "I am sorry that I am too attach to you, sometimes I might disturb your study time cause no one else I feel free to disturb to in this hostel. I did feel down by Lyn and Jesslyn yesterday, I was kind of being humiliated cause I somehow feel uncomfortable with the teases. But when you hugged me and told us you are happy, I can feel my heart relief and free from the dullness and the worthlessness gone immediately. I do not know how I can gain back this feeling from Lyn, and I hope I can. Please tell me, how?"

What I want to tell ORL: "I kind of think that you do not like me. I do not know why but you always give me the negative auras although you did not tell anything, I can feeling it. Maybe I am too weird to tolerate. And I do think only me get this treatment from you, and made me feel that I am too difficult to tolerate to, and I am wondering that, am I that bad? The whole gang is teasing me, that if there is any bully in the room, you are the victim. Maybe yes physically, but it is the opposite mentally. I being tortured when you looked at me as if I am weirdo, I did something wrong, and I always do things wrong. I loss confidence with you, and I loss my confidence with you all. "