He asked me whether I went back from the event already.
I guessed he was searching me for photos when he was free yet cannot get me in his view.
So he told me his location and asked me to find him...
I felt there is someone who appreciates my existence.
While I was thinking of CKM, the great contrast that he was happily taking photos with girls, and I do not think he is ever thinking of me.
He told me people dying to take photos with him, yes, I agree.
He must be teased by friends when he took photos with Lyn.
He must be shy. He dropped his head, I know what it means.
Lyn looked at him like disgracing him, lol~
That is her facial expression only for him~
I felt like crying and sadness invaded my soul after I laughed at the moment I saw the comments people said that they are sweet couple...
But I did not.
It is a strong stimuli, but not as strong as direct hurts from his mouth and his actions.
This kind of rumors, pairing, or even if he really has a girlfriend, have become a routine of hurting me so frequently until I already adapted, and numb, for these information.
But that night, just because of the silly arguments, I cried thrice, I can not accept we were hurting each other face to face, saying out loud, quarreling out with violent words.
I just can not afford.
Is it the best way to avoid we hurt each other is to stay away from each other?
While the next night I dreamt of QQ.
We went out for buying something, actually he was following behind me for a walk even I just intended to go out by myself.
We talked and later he held my hand, what I felt from his palm is coldness, not electrifying shock.
I quickly took back my hand and smiled to him.
I did not clarify with him anything but I think the action can explain everything.
Even in my dream, I am waiting for CKM, and not giving a chance to QQ.
This is a dream related to the incident that CKM asked me to feel his palm warmness.
The second night, I dreamt of CKM.
Maybe I was worrying about my hostel thingy.
I was forced to move out from my own room and I have no place to stay except to share an apartment with CKM and Joe.
Of course they were roomates. I took another room.
He reluctant to let me invade his private space but he is still a considerate guy so he allowed it.
One day I opened their room door and I saw Joe was on CKM!!!
OMG, BL!!!
Although they were playing games, and I do not know why Joe was on him, lol~
And CKM always complain about my weaknesses, my flaws, my carelessness, blamed me for everthing and made me so frustrated.
Although he is not so bad in reality but it was so close already, lol~
The third dream, I was sharing the knowledge I had learnt.
He was one of the participants, yet he was trying to help me.
I do not know how, we were resting.
(I think I had relating the scene in Secret Garden that many people shared a room and slept on floor during training)
He was lying behind me...
His legs touched mine(of course we were well-dressed), and from mild touching and it slowly progressed to flirty.
We intertwined legs and playing with each other foot.
We became so in need for this intimate contact.(not sex, I am very pure, ok!)
I was nervous and anxious that he might just play around with me.
Then he kissed my head from back.
I stoned and later I kept silence and just accepted his kisses(on my occipital part of my head)
I convinced myself that he has feeling with me, with the risk that he might not.
(Haiz, I hope for his confirmation so much until I even dreamed of it... T.T)
Then the next time we met, I asked him, is it we even can not hold hands?
Then he just held my hand.
I can feel he treated me like I am fragile until he can not even dare to touch me, scared I might run away from him or scared he might hurt me.
(I even have to request for a hand holding... T.T)
We had a date.
Our common friend brought me to a place for an occasion, and he is the media for me and CKM and he arranged a meeting point for us.
Even though CKM showed that he has feeling on me and held my hand, I still have doubt and not confident that I am his girlfriend or I am just one of his flirting targets.
We met in front a lift, and I looked at him.
He just passed by like other ordinary days, like strangers who know each other's name, like he never do anything on me.
I felt I am stupid to believe and treated it seriously in his game.
I walked out of the building and I cried to the friend that I am such a silly girl who thought that what CKM had done is real and he will like me or treat me as the important girl in his life.
While I started to cry, I noticed the friend's sight and I turned my head, CKM appeared from behind.
He came with his smile.
He was just playing with me that he pretended like he does not care and he just wanted to surprise me.
He petted my head and then we happily hold hands and went for a date.
(I think I mixed the memory of he appeared behind me and disturbed me but I found out before he success on CCN rehearsal, cause I smelled his cologne.)
Actually all these dreams have some after events stories but I forgot already.
While today when I saw him, he was with his straight hair, looking at me while I was talking to other PBL mates, and I looked at him, we met our sight, but I shifted away after 2 seconds.
I might thought he was hoping something from me, but I hate being another Lyn.
I should smile at him, I should be nice with him.
While I sat with him during lunch, we did not talk.
He just teased me that I just came back but still unsatisfied with people who will going back tonight.
When I asked him whether he felt touching when received my photos, he said no.
Fine!
Cindy asked me why I chose to sit with him, she said she thought I had conflicts with him...
I silent and I did not know how to answer her.
I think she found out something, but I will never admit it.
Sometimes, when things are not under the sun, then it will minimize the harm if it turns out not worked well.
I just a girl who scared of post-traumatic stress...
Well, without his stimulation, since he was so cool to me, I do not feel anything for him now, lol~
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