厌恶

I tried to find an English word to replace the Chinese words, but I cant.
I just cant make it.
My English is poor.
My study is suck.
My personalities are bad.
My ambition is nothing.
My family is good.
My body still functioning.
Is that no more word in English can express the word that I used in my title?
I have poor vocabulary, that's why I hate English.
I get bored of myself?
I hate myself??
I do not like myself???
Even to express myself, I have problem.
I can not do anything right.
Then should I do everything left??
I thought I have learning disorder, but since I came to Med School, it seems like no problem.
My friend said I look depress for a period already.
Am I??
Since when he treats me weird, and I act weird since then.

During PBL, found that Lyn was in bad mood or what, it did affect me.
Maybe recently my depression influences her.
But I became more depress with her depress.
And suddenly it reminded me with the quote :"Dont let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world".
I did optimistic before, because he is that kind of guy.
And now I found out it is difficult for me to smile anymore, sincerely.
I do not like myself, how I be happy, and how I can smile sincerely???

Once, I thought that I did the changes was for myself, and now I realize, NO, it is all for him.
Cause it seems meaningless I do it now.

What I hate about myself more is, when he is around, I still, change to hyperactive state from a hibernate phase.
Still???
Why I still care about him???
Can I just live for myself???

I feel pressure from study and academic, so so much recently.
I am going to be a doctor.
Can I bear with it??
Am I qualify???

What I feel disgusting of myself is my thought.
Why I always think using my evil devil thought???
Why I become so "kecil hati" to everyone????
How I can feel in a bad way with the things not carry in my own preference???

Why???

I hate to be myself.
I found the darkness in me.
It is always with me.
I do not like it.

The way is good??
Smile to myself and say "Good Morning" every morning, tap my cheeks to relax the muscles make me easier to smile?
I should not let others being influenced by my bad mood.
I should bring happiness to them.
At least do not bring them down.

I should start my optimistic life, again.
Only me is the cause.