Dating

Her confession that I expected since last year, had came after one year.
She confessed to me and Cindy today.
And I just know he asked her for date for a few times before.
One was when we were in KL, one is with Joe and him and the Christmas date.

La, I will attend to their wedding~

Progression

To avoid myself think of him more, I decide not to write about him.
I wore Baju Kurung to class today, everyone felt unusual, haha!

I just want to wear it until it can not be wore.
LC is tiring to plan for her friends birthday celebration.
And it troubled her so much but she has to follow.

Sometimes friendship can be tiring.
For some unknown feel of responsibilities, they think they have to complete something, and known that their friendship may not last long.
And makes themselves feel unhappy and stress about it.

Just simple and nice birthday celebration, should be grateful already...

Dreaming

I had a dream, that me and friends went to a Taiwanese Buffet.
Most buffets now are Japanese style but because it was Taiwanese style so it is special.

I was the first customer in the morning, starting to queue.
And I took 2 plates of food, there was BBQ seafood, BBQ meat, nice food.
I saw Yliong in my dream too.
Then one junior in this school I do not know who, he saw me taking 2 plates of food, and he embarrassed me.

So I wanted to put my food somewhere, and I do not know how, I rushed back to my house and put down my food, and it was a quite far journey.

Then I went back to the buffet place again via running.
I think I was exhausting running so hard to reach back the place.
And the crowd more and more, and I have to queue so long.

While people took for a lot of food already, and I haven't eat anything.
But I wanted to avoid the queue.
So I went to play the dessert part.
There was a machine like the Disney coin machine.
But it was a waffle machine.
There was Doraemon and other cartoons pattern of waffle.
Put coin and you can make it freshly by yourself.

So after playing this, I went for queuing for my second round.
I got prawn, lobster?, mussels, big clams, so so nice.
And I went back to my seat.
My friends sat with me.
But I just remembered Lyn now.
On the way back to my seat, I saw people with huge plate of nice sashimi, I went back to take it, but I do not know how, maybe they are out of stock already, they gave me assorted sushi.
And I took back to my seat.
While eating my BBQ, Lyn came and asked me that she wanted to try my sushi, and she was so so eager to have my nice 9 pieces of sushi plate.
She ate my salmon sushi, and later I just give her my whole plate of sushi, because I think I can queue again to get it.
And after I finished my food beside the sushi platter, I went to queue, all the counters finished distributing the food, and left me all closed counter.

And I felt this is so unfair that I was the first to come and I did not get to eat what I want.
And I think I was so so so so sad in my dream.

I told Lyn about she stole my food just now, and she said she never do that to me before.
And she think she is great cause she finished all the food.

And I feel like, am I really so pathetic that I just can have this type of friend?
Yea, I know Western culture is taking your own food, people will get theirs by themselves.
So, I never blame anyone for not taking food for me while I was so kaypo and thinking how to get more food to share with my friends.
Yea, so when people asked food from me I never reject and just share my part.
I am selfish too, I wanted to reserve it for myself too, but I rather to give it away, looked to another direction, do not see means do not feel.
I never ask food from her, cause I know she definitely need food for herself, and she will ask, why you do not want to take from the place with a lot of it, but to take for her, the one she wants for herself only.


I have bad thought on my friends.

That made me feel my darkness, instead of they can give me a sense of brightness, that makes me feel happy, or fortune.
I need to give or sacrifice, so that I can feel happy, when other happy, while I never receive to be happy.

Or maybe when I received, I never cherish it??

The dream and my friends must have something to teach me.
I knew everyone is selfish, but I do not want to be someone who is selfish.
I knew recently I had become greedy and craving for more and more food, demands to enjoy luxurious lifestyle.

I forgot that I wanted a life with no demand, no request, with high pride, with no struggle.
Peace~~

Just asking

I felt curious of why he asked me whether got people chasing me.
Maybe just he was bored and nothing to ask.

I always want to cook something for him.
But I think no need ask also he will not take any food from me.
He thinks that I can poison him.

So, I made pudding, and I just can give it to Ah Yik.
Actually, can I give it to him??
T.T
Can he said once he want to try my cooking...

Yeerrrrrrr...

Unusual

I was waiting for him to online from 6pm, I thought he should be reaching Penang in 6 hours time.
But I underestimated that he might have dinner and have fun with his friends before reaching home.
Saw his post after I came back, and his post was 1 hour ago.
A lot people like his post, and it is rare that he will post this kind of "telling people where he is" post.
Maybe he changed because he wanted someone to know more about him, like posted his photos or recorded his life events.

Even his close friend questioning him "since when u post this kind of stuff in fb wan?"
Hahahahaa~~
Cause he fa qiao~

So, I called Ah Yik to wish his birthday since I wished him in chat and asked him whether he received call.
I returned back call and I will not call him anymore.
I think he was playing with me cause he opened loud speaker to let his friends to hear as well.
Although I do not mind it, knowing this can let me know how jerky is him, distorted kid, lol~~~
Well, chatting with him also made me have stronger will to stay single instead of finding someone who is not for me.

He will not say something like what Ah Yik said, he is not as jerk as Ah Yik be, he is kind of polite with girls, even maybe not to me, lol~

Anyways, he is the last person in my life, that I will think of him so much..

Chat

He just talked a little bit about himself.
I think all that information that I got from him, he talked others girls, easily, and the other girls knew it long time ago already?

But I asked him to marry Lyn, so that I can attend his wedding.
He treated me as sister again.
And he promised to send me his wedding invitation card.

Sister- meaning he has no responsible to you, chat you when he has mood, ignore you when he thinks you are annoying, will not easily get angry to you, and somehow, polite.

I knew, he is a nice friend.

Explanation

I slept at 4am or 5am last night.
I cant properly sleep.
This is the first and will be the last time, I feel so bad because of him.
If I have to set the pain score, I will make this as 10, and I will restrict myself, to not let my heart to experience pain more than this level, no way for me to feel so sad for him.

So I met Cindy in front her room, asking her about her dinner.
Then she said Lyn always pushed his arm, and he is the only guy we seen so far that she will touch.
And Cindy told me Lyn put plane on Wendy's KFC date to go to his date.
While Cindy told me she did not sit close with both of them, later Lyn told me the different, they just sat in front her.

So I talked nonsense to cover my sadness.
And after I heard from Cindy, I knew that they went to drink, and it is not my type.

I asked her about how he dated her, and she said he messaged her.
And it was her first Christmas with guys, and especially him.
Then she said they were talked less and I suggested that just like in PBL.

I met him and YL at the corner of the tutor rooms.
I do not feel like looking at him.
He showed his face to Lyn, and I heard he told Lyn that CY asked to bring the girls out.
He smiled and everything, and I did not turn my head to see him.

I did not pay attention in the class too, maybe Lyn noticed about my abnormalities.
1pm, I supposed there would be no food in Nurani, so I asked Lyn for lunch, and asked Imran to go Harmony together.
Maybe he was in his good mood, he followed us.

I was angry with him anyways, I did not feel like talk to him much.
I walked with Amu, chit chatting.
I knew I unintentionally slowed down my steps.
And we were teasing both of them.

I do not care of him anymore, I feel free to do anything, I no need to restrict my actions and speech.
He sat beside Lyn, diagonal from me.

It is a setting that he will always will Lyn.

I talked and I did not care of my mouth full of food.
When YY asked me whether me and Imran are husband and wife, I said, no ring then not yet.
Lyn asked me to fold it with paper, and I said even with straw also ok, or even with the ring pull of the can.

When YY helped Imran to ask whether we want to play badminton, we rejected.
And when Lyn asked why dont Imran ask by himself but asked YY to ask us.
I answered her, because he scared I would reject him so he did not dare to ask.
And when I said that, that fella said out some bad words and I was shocked but became steady again in 1 second.

I did not feel like looking at him at all, so I put my head down and just focused on my food.
Lastly, when I talked about the winter and the layer of cloth I will wear and I will be rounded and people can pull me down hill and I will be snow ball.

So I saw he was looking to far, daydreaming with his stupid smile.
Do not know what he was thinking while I thought he was imagining something.

And about 6pm, he chatted me, and until 12 am, discontinued in for 2 hours since he went out.
He felt bored and asked me for stories.
Later I figured out the Murni had no wifi connection, so he found me for entertainment.

And finally when there was a connection, he abandoned me and just leaved me there.
His style, and I did not feel anything.

I knew, he used me.

I hate festivals

There will be no more Christmas Celebration, Valentine's Day, Birthday Celebration for me, anymore.

They hurt me, and I hate them!!!

Dinner

My friends went out, without me, lol~
Errmm, another disappointment?

I knew that, if there is anything, they will just forget about me.

And, I do not want to outing with them anymore.

P/S: I cried, my emotion was uncontrollable just same like Christmas Night.
It seem that Christmas is not a good day for me, from now to the future.

Flirt

I told him about he case study of junior chase senior.
And I think he amazed of a guy can be so flirty.

But he actually does not know that he actually more flirty than any guy.
What he did today?

He asked why Amu hugged me, and I replied that because I am cute.
And he smiled like he cannot stand a person who is narcissist.
So I said: "I win!"
Then me and Amu continued our conversations.

Then he took Lyn's photo, his excuse was he wants to try an apps to sketch one's photo~
Hohohohohohoho~~~
Cindy said no one will take a girl photo just for trrying on an apps~~
Muahahahahaa~~~

And I frozen on the spot, Kelantan rain so long and so cold, let me see this kind of scene, really...

Gee

Recently think of him much.
There are lots of memories with him.

He spent all his money to keep me in his life, and never mention it to me.

He rather to wet half of his body, insisting to share the same umbrella with me while keep me dry.
He rather to run in the rain than share umbrella with another girl before he shares the same umbrella with me.

He gets angry with me because I crossed the road without looking the vehicles even he was mad of me that time.

He danced with me on a flat rock, with the waves hit at the bottom of the rock, with the sunset shines on our bodies, with the breeze blows on our faces.

He never ignore me even he was busy.

He never want to make me sad.

He never be the one hurts me with his ego.

He can sacrifice everything just to keep my heart on him.

Until I be the one who took all these for granted.

He did a lot for me, while I always request and request more.

I feel so sorry that I hurt him so much...

We now proceed with our own life, lose contact.

 I know no one in the world can be better than him.

He will be a good husband.

I wish the best for him.

Sleepy-ness

He said nobody stopping me to sleep, so I slept for 3 hours today...
Yes, refreshing...

I am not a person who likes to sleep like him, or like Cindy.
Maybe because I awake to wait for him to online.

He chatted with me for 1 hour, but mostly I typed and he just read.
Maybe he wanted to dig my secret again.
Lol.

While he promised to attend lecture this morning, and he did.
But I can so see his sleepy face from the start of lecture.
He wore kind of grey, because it is black strips.
I miss him, I think I looked at him quite directly today, I scared if my friends notice it.

But he just ignored me.
Whatever.

Delightful

He found me to chat just now, after he forbidden me to question him.
Again he asked me why I always online.
He said he felt bored and asked me tell him story.
Then he said he felt bored after find me to chat.
Not because he felt bored then chat me.
I said I wish to be a guy, and he asked why I feel fun to be a guy.

He chatted with me like normal.
I can not put hope anymore, but I have to admit that his chat made me feel better.

Heartache

I chatted with him, for awhile, and I feel my heart aching...
The feeling is so strong.
He is making me down and stress, only by one sentence.
This is not I wanted, right?

After all this whiles, he gave bad feelings to me more than nice one.
I deserve better, right?

A night with friends

Did not plan to go to that event actually, but lastly went because HS them all going.
But SN did not sit with us, I think she hates me.

By the way, I still look fat.

I thought he would not go for that event, cause he did not attend Borneo, or Christmas.
I chatted with him recently, showed my concern of his injuries and his illness.
I accompanied him when he was in A&E, and I knew I was just a substitute of the one he wishes her to accompany him.
Accompany in the form of telling him my story with Ah Yik, without mentioning name.

He was entertained and we are back to the start.

I chatted with Joe too, and Joe asked me whether attend to the event.
I thought he would not appear but he did.
I saw him walked straight to the front row after dining time.
He sat there, but most of the time he chatted with friends and looked at his phone, I have no idea whether he chatted with any girl...

At the end, he watched the dance for awhile, then he went back...
With his injured knees...

I feel down, again I realised I can not have him.

Pointless

I knew the girl he very closed to broke up with her boyfriend.
Means he will have the chance to get her.
She is one of his top 5 beauty in our lecture hall, which he nominated her name.

I loss interest to write this blog again.
Cause I knew me and him impossible.
Cause I knew, he will be excited to mix with her...

Today, I went temple.
It was raining, with the natural environment, I think of him.
I thought of him who said he likes quiet environment, and he does not mind to stay more in village, cause when he sleeps, he can hear the insects' sound instead of vehicles noise...

I am so busy everyday, every week, how I can start a relationship even if there is someone ready there for me??
I never think and consider that before.
I will not have time for the unlucky one.
And this will lead to a break up.

Pointless.

Impatient

I started to feel bad with my friends.
When I was free, I can do anything for them, cooking, accompanying them out for lunch or dinner.
And when I was in trouble, it turned out HELPLESS.. T.T

Selfish

I feel I am selfish, when I attracted to outside things, I abandoned myself and chased after the not important things.

And usually the not important thing will fail your expectation, and you get hurt, you get lost and you get down.

After this failure, then only I back to myself, treat myself good, under protection.
Why can just stay with myself and do not seduce by those not important things in life???

You can do it.
Really, from now on.

Loneliness

I want him to follow the trip, I want his record his voice into MP3 and send it to me...

Har, although he maybe has girlfriend*real or not?* already.

I do not know, I do not know, I rather he tells the whole world he has a girl friend rather than tortures me like this.

Chocolate Moouse

The Kelantanese girl who he admires.
They are kind of in relationship.
The girl who made tarts for him, the girl who made the cupcakes for him.
He said before he think xiao mei mei not suitable for him.
He said he did not talk to xiao mei mei, and I thought he will not fall for them.
And he did.

I was right, that he is just like any other guys, they like little sister who is young and energetic, and coy.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me


Be strong, I know it is hard.

Irritable

I angry with my friend again..
I asked them out for this weekend, and I tried to made myself free for them, but they just do not appreciate it.
Maybe I am not as important as I thought I was.
Actually, I am full-scheduled in weekend, and the only free time I'll have, even though I have other things to do, but I'll make myself free.
Just a disappointment...

Another disappointment was, I planned to go friend's house this January, and she'll have her niece in her house and will not free to guest me.
 
While he was showing off his positive finding in lecture hall, with the girl he feels the cutest in lecture hall, and his heart melts with her smiles, and the girl actually one of his fans.
And he touched her palm by "give me five", as usual, a technique to touch girl, reminding me of the last "Borneo Night".

You touched other girl's palm, while my palm being touched by guy, fair enough, I will not feel guilty now!!!!

Then GX asked why there are a lot people in front, I told her he showed off his positive finding, and she then teased me that I love him very much, what I do not understand is, I already answered her of what she wanted to know, what why she has to treat me like that???

I am thinking that I am in real darkness..

Errmm, friend?

I think of my friends, and thinking of punctuality, I am the one who slept for only 3++ hours, and they just do not as considerate as I think.
Maybe I am too selfish, they kept telling me they do not know the time they want to go for the event, and from 4++pm, I waited till 6pm, 6pm I waited till 8pm, and I think I am kind of too naive and innocent??
I thought they will feel embarrassment and asked me to go earlier, and I waited for 2 hours, nothing happen.
I should have take a nap just now, and how I think of "friendship"?

Nothing for me now.

If there is someone, who knew I went to the temple for whole day, feeling tired, and say to me that she will wake me up for preparation, maybe she is too nice to be friend, probably it is a mother's nature.

No friend is like that.

Temple day

Went to temple today, prepared food from 3.30am, slept 11pm but there was a fire drill at 2.10am T.T

Yesterday was a nice talking day with him, and I took 8 precepts, arrgghhhh, failed!!!

I was looking at him, he wore blue, repetitively in this week.
But do not know why, he did not put his black sweat shirt on..
So I can see his jugular and proximal 1/5 of his clavicles, =.=
I wonder why I am so observant =.=

So he did not go to the seminar that morning, and he appeared in the PBL with sweats.
I wonder how he walks until sweating since his right knee injured =.=

Lyn wanted to tell Imran that meteor watching thingy and I stopped her to.
Both him and Imran curious about that.
But Lyn did not tell, luckily~~~

He told YY that he will not go for meeting at night cause he was going home.
And in PBL was looking to Imran and smile when Imran started to present, I do not know why.
I looked to Imran with passion.

And I looked at him when Lyn was presenting, Lyn claimed that she looked at him only if he laughed at her presentation, but yesterday he did not, and she still tended to look at him, means??

He looked at me too when I was presenting, and just I know why he did not look at me when he was presenting, cause neither I will look at him.

After PBL, I tried to slow down my motion and waited for him, and in others' view, I was waiting for Imran.
So I walked with Imran, and I told him that I need to buy notes so I can not accompany him back.
And all the sudden he asked me, what Lyn wanted to tell him.
And I turned, all the others were behind us, I told Lyn that she made Imran so curious!!!

The others asked Imran, did he admit that I am his wife, with his "Why not/Of course" face, he declared that I am his wife/ He is my husband.
All of them felt happy for me, cause I always complain Imran does not admit my status.
And I was so excited that I closed my eyes and jumped a few times.
*Actually I did feel geli or can not tahan*

And he hold Imran and said he keeps his silence moment for Imran.
=.=
So worthless meh me to Imran??
I am worthless for him but others cherish me very much ok???!!!

Then with a smiley face, I asked him for my ring.
And then they were telling Imran the paper ring that they tagged him before that, asking him to fold it for me.
They continued discussing about the non-revealing topic and I said Imran will kill cats around hostel cause curiosity kills the cat.
I scanned the card and opened the door for them.
And I told Imran that I cannot accompany him anymore.

So, I talked nonsense, saying that they do not know how me and Imran progress, along the way we walk back to hostel, how we look at each other, how we separate when we reach the guy's and girl's hostel.
Lyn closed her eyes and saying that do not tell anymore and were I finishing.
And I did not plan to say more cause that are all my nonsenses, lol~~~

I walked between Lyn and him, and I planned to walk slow so that they can walk together*Actually I get the auro and hints that I should step back.*
But we talked about meeting at night, and Lyn was telling something I do not know, so I squeezed in between them again.
I asked Lyn to use his vote to fight for our right, cause it will be nothing about him, he will not go anyways.
And he so bad that he told the others that he would like to vote to stay longer in the village.
When we walked down the stairs, he lets us to walk before him, saying that he will be slow, Lyn said anyways he walked faster than us*even he hurts his knee*
So, I do not want to see them flirting to each other, I walked pass them and walked with MY after that.

A, W and F asked me why I walked with them, from far he answered that I sesat jalan.
He was 2 lines behind, talked so loud just to tease me. =.=
And I noticed when his mood is good, he likes to take my chance to talk and answer everything for me.
I told a few times, that I have to buy notes, and I added, "I hope to walk with husband also. But what to do, I need to buy notes."
Then they suggested me to ask him to accompany me to buy notes, then I said, :"Ya hor, never think about this before!!"
Then they said that I can spend more time to walk back with him and blah blah blah~~

So I do not know how he responded for that, then do not know who asked me when I want to marry, and I said we already discussed about it, it is between 25 to 30 of my age, and I do not know he heard that or not, then he said a date, I heard for a few times, I thought he was saying my date of my marriage that I told him before.
But I was wrong, he was saying it will be 31st of February, then I blanked, thinking why he said that date, and just I realised he was teasing me that I will not have a date to marry Imran.
Hmmm, =.=
Why teased me like I am not qualified to be someone's wife T.T
Then I agreed with him the date that he gave me, cause I actually do not want to marry Imran~~~
Lol~~~
I was 2 lines in front him, but he wanted to talk to me.
I just heard and replied what he said, but not the others, and he answered all the questions to me, I wanted to walk beside him, but I saw Lyn, I wanted to talk and walk with him along the way, but I saw barriers...

I think the others would look us differently, cause we wanted to talk to each other so much, but we were separated, lol~~~
But no one realise it.

We talked to each other, but we did not go closer.

Mad

Yes, I am mad, very very mad.
I mad with myself that why I am not good enough for him to spend time with, I mad with myself why can I be the important person in his life and I mad with him that never put me as a girl who can spend time with and important for him.

I feel angry + sad + frustrated when I saw the post he celebrated people's birthday.

I am so worthless for him.

Feed me waste rice, shoot me waste bullet, and I do not even cover by any insurance.

And why I feel so much just he went to someone birthday celebration??

I need forget anything about him.

I hate being me.

12.12.12

We went to PBL, and I tried to not pay attention to him.

I teased him during the end of the lecture before lunch.
Jo sat beside him since morning, he did not care and talk with her at all.
Cause there was another person sat between them.
And when she finally found a chance to talk with him during the end of lecture, I walked by and interrupted.
I teased him by telling Jo, he wears that shirt and looked alike the waiter in Latino Bar.
Then I ran away, leaved them behind, Jo laughed and he confused.

Once he stepped in the tutor room, we all watched their interaction.
Huh, finally it floats out of water and I can openly watch their interaction, without people saying I am the obsessive observer of him.
We all saw them flirting in public.

First time, he was so interested in the game she played on phone, and talked nicely together.
YY teased them by saying F is very bright *she meant light bulb* but the two banana did not understand our terms, even Pipah, W and F.
So I explained to them and just they understand.

Second time, he looked at her, then she missed it, but she realised it, so she looked back, and he missed it, and he realised it and looked back her, and then they stared at each other.
Pipah, W, F and me saw that and smiled together.

So, after PBL, I called Imran's name, asking him walk with me.
He walked to the door I used, I opened the door for him even he was far.
Lyn came and acted to close the door, do not want to let him out.
Then I clarified, "Not me har!" *Actually I meant I always want to treat him nice, and it is not me who treats him bad*
He looked at Lyn and said: "Bai ka liao you also want bully."
Then we walked together, I actually let him walked with Lyn, so I walked with Imran and asked him why he did not follow us to SR yesterday, Lyn was not there.

He interrupted our conversation, saying that he also did not go, and asked Imran not to worry.
He joined our conversation, so I walked beside him, at his right, put out my hand, asked him to give me his songs.
I looked at his face, he looked at the floor, acting cool, rejecting me, and I asked again, I saw he slightly smile.
Then I acting like a spoiled child/ act in pettish to him, and he laughed, and I hit his arms and tried not to act coy, begging him, and he exaggerated my action with laughter and joy =.=

And I saw Lyn behind of us, so I separated myself from him and told Lyn that he looked like a Latino bar waiter.
And I asked him to unbutton one button, and he did it, and I opened the shirt widely, hahahahaaa!!!
He let me do it and I did it twice, open it wide wide, and he explained it is nothing for him to unbutton the top button of his shirt, he already used to it, and he wears like that always.
Lyn asked him to unbutton it all.
Lol, over~

Then when we reached the scanning door, I said: "He become the king already"
I went to scan my card, and Lyn opened the door for him, while he was in surprised state and confused, and later just realised we are treating him nice.
Lol~~

Then they walked back to hostel together~
And I will never know what they were talking about.

KL shopping

When I was shopping, I heard Boyce Avenue's voice, even I do not know what song they played.
When I saw the girls showing their couple how they look when they try the pants, the shoes, the dress, the face of the girls showed they are excited, happy, and hope to look nice in front their couple.

And when I looked at myself, I think I will never have chance to do like that.

Even I slim down, he will not be with me, right?

Black

He wore black with dark stripes yesterday, he looks polite and gentle.
I like he wears simple and smart.
Today, wears black shirt too. it is pure black but with designs laterally, and made me think of the sexy Latino Bar guys.
Because he unbuttons the first 2 buttons, shows his sternum.
I like guy shows clavicles, but for him, a bit too sexy???
Cause even just showed his sternum, it is too much, exceed the little sexiness that I expected.

I looked at him so many times, and I never get his sight.
And I looked at the others who admires another, they also concentrated on lecturer but not the person they admire, lol~~~

I still met his sight once, when I did not put my attention on him, at the nearly ending of the lecture.
I was looking at my bank slips and think of my financial problems, and I looked to his direction, not expecting anything, and I saw his face.
From my view, suddenly I felt that he was so far from me, and the color beside him faded *cause he wore black what =.=*, yet he still looks at me.
Actually I do not know whether he was looking at me, because he looked from far, and when I looked into his eyes, his pupils not focus on me, lol~~~
And because he looked from far, I did not avoid his sight, cause I not sure whether he was day-dreaming or what.

I hope to get his singing recordings, cause now I just have a few lullabies from him, and those all just a few seconds, I need complete song singing!!! 

Not love

I heard of his presence half way of the seminar, he attended to support our group's presentation.
Then after our lunch, we were late to lecture hall.
So Lyn sat around him, and after that she shifted to beside him...
OK, if it was last time, it will be me who sit beside him, lol...
I have enough of myself, that always think backward, I should move forward now!!

I saw him looked at me when pretended he was sleeping, I do not know what it meant, because when I frequently looked at him in clinical teaching, I did not find out any clue.

He sat with her, and he talked and he followed what shown in the video.
And just I know when he learns something, he still tries it on himself, and I thought he already became a cool guy who has no response to anything.

He put his head on the table, he faced to me, I thought he was sleeping.
And when I looked at him, I not sure if his eyes opened or closed, hahahahaa~~~~

And he walked down when we moved down as the doctor allowed us to.
While his right knee injured so badly.
He did not feel pain.

He walked here and there, climbed stairs, drove like normal.

He told about his stories in PBL, and I just listened silently.

He demonstrated the way he will go on toilet on the chair, no one get him, and I knew what he was doing, hahahaaa!!!!

So I just chat him in FB, and I feel awkward, we can talk like normal, but no like last time.

Last time, I expressed my feelings to him, on Fb, told everything, now on my blog.

We teased Lyn about him while his absence in our gathering.
And also about YY, Lyn has no skill to force YY to confess she likes him, lol~~

Yesterday when I went to Lyn's room, read a magazine, it stated that people found that the person who looked direct to them more charming, people who looked away always less attractive.

And she always looks into his eyes, very deep~~

Meteor Shower

I hope to watch meteor shower again with him...
Or he will ask a girl out to watch together with him?

Saw comments from the photo with his girlfriend, knew that she is his cousin.

Today he wore red, and he always wear blue on the first day school.
I thought I would not have chance to see him yesterday, and lastly he went to class.
He styled his hair nicely, charming and attracted my eyes...
And I heard his laugh, and I heard really carefully, wanted to record it in my brain.
I like his laugh, very much.
If there is a chance, I want record it and play repeatedly...

Today he went to the class just before the last lecture nearly ended.
Before he came, someone coughed and Lyn looked up, I think she wanted to look for him, unfortunately it was not him.
Later I heard another clearing throat sound, it was him. He did not set his hair. And he was busy looking to his phone, chatting with someone??

These two days, he showed his presence with his obvious clearing throat sound =.=
And we will go to SR to celebrate W's birthday.
He joined without hesitation, while when we asked him out for his birthday celebration, he was so so difficult to appoint =.=
I cannot find any of his photo on Borneo CN.
And today when I met him, I saw he walked down from the stairs really slowly, he hurts his legs??
I miss him so much, cause the PBL shifted to last two days of the week, only will see him starting tomorrow..
I was thinking of his foot put on mine when I saw the physical examination, and I think I should prank on him that time.
Pulled his hairs and made him pain, hahaha!!!

Life goes on, and I need to write down the last day of village life and the two days in KL~

Blue

He chose blue shirt today, instead of the white.
Maybe it is difficult to wash here??

So later in PBL, I isolated myself cause I do not know what they talking about.
I focused to presenters very much, and he also caught my eyes.
Finally we finished PBL and Lyn waited for him I think.
I told them to allocate Monday for W's birthday celebration.
He talked to Lyn, walked back with Lyn, and I think they have a lot of interaction since they will walk together eveytime after PBL.
Lyn told me before that he asked her whether she followed him, stalked at him.
And Lyn said yes and she asked me is it ok to follow guys to their building.
I think I just ignored her question that time, maybe I was busying doing other things.
Then I played badminton since Imran asked me to.
I went because I asked him to do something, so I need to reciprocal him something, lol~~


And my mood actually not easily fluctuate now.
Even I felt disappointment toward my friendship.

I think, everything in this world, either we can see, cannot see, can touch, cannot touch, really does not mean anything, when we born, we have nothing, when we died, we can bring nothing.

Memories fade, and feelings are untrue.

Guessed it wrong!

He wore his long sleeve black soft fabric shirt to the lecture hall.
I saw him from the end of the corridor, third floor, again I can only see his back.
He did not attend to the classes for the morning session, I think he can not wake up early in the morning?

And I was hyperactive today, laughed around joked around.
From lunch time, after I saw Ah Yik in the cafe to lecture hall.
When I had my yogurt after lunch, Cindy told me Ah Yik was walking in, I did not turn my head to see him. So Cindy said I purposely do not want to turn my head, pretending lady-liked.
And when he was at the point I can see him without turning my head, she said that my eyes looked straight at him, without blinking, lol~~~ *I just want to see whether he can see me or recognise me*
I was just deciding not to pretend or act like I like him very much.
Cause I know I again used someone else to hide the only one who really exist in my heart.
I do not want to do it anymore.
While when we back to lecture hall, we saw the poster of Winter Solstice, and I said should I wait for someone buy me a ticket and ask me watch the show together.
I meant that fella who stays in my heart, and Lyn meant Ah Yik.
She said she dares to do that for me.
And I said I will not dare cause I am thinking that I need to responsible to the two who I prank for.
She said no need, so I said that is why I do not dare.
And I wondered why I want to shoot her???

I wanted to see what he doing in class, and I have no chance to look longer than a peek.
I saw him slept on the table once, I saw him heard the talk with boredom once, others I can see his hair only.
Then I was waiting for him while we walked to buy note after class, but he never appear along the way to photostat shop.
I waited him outside the shop, telling Cindy that I wait her outside, and hoped that he would pass by.
Then he came, without me alerting! *I was day-dreaming looking to breads and thinking that will the shop keeper thought me took notes but did not pay for it?*
He appeared in my eyes while he turned into the door,  I surprised and he was shocked.
He passed by me while I said "Hi", he replied me, but he also said "Hi" to the others and walked into the shop.
Never expect that I can see him so near.
I was observing him while he waiting for notes.
Since I suspecting he likes Cindy before*cause someone said there is a STPMer likes her, and he praised her for her academy before and looked like he admired her a lot*, hahahaa, I was looking that will he looks at her like the way I looked at him.

But he did not do anything, just waited for the notes, walked here and there, and I like to look him queuing for the note, like a kid, like he loses direction and innocent. *Although I looked only his back.*
And I imagined if he was queuing to buy something, and he asked me to wait him aside.
When he wants to buy ice-cream for me, buy cotton candies for me, buy satay for me, hehehe~~
But this is a dream which hard to achieve, how he will walk pasar malam with me, how he will walk with me on a street, in a foreign country, how we will travel to other countries together?

Then I leaned on the wall and watched him, near the counter.
I met another girl, EJ, she borrowed some coins from me.
After my conversation with her, he got his notes, and he gave up the another note which still in photostat. *He is that kind of impatient guy*
He with his shy smile, asked the shop keeper whether he got a change for RM50 note.
The shop keeper said no, and he turned to me, smiled to me and asked me lent him RM2.
I took my money from my pant pocket. Then I said 20, 2 become 20.
Then SHM suddenly appeared and he played with me, our conversation stopped.
I do not know what he did, until he can continue our conversation, he said 20 then better I go rob.
Then I acted like I hold a knife put near his neck.
And I forgot he actually does not like people touch him.
Although I did not touch him at all, but I acted like I have that intention.
I think I should not show any intention to touch him anymore?
Since I promised him before, I will return him his peace, I will not touch his hair.

Then I peeked on him that he wanted to choose some drinks, and I prepared to lent him money, but lastly he did not buy anything more.
Cause I think SHM looked at me weirdly that like he knew I have some feelings to that fella.

And we had a meeting at night.
He wore a very young sleeveless black shirt, with below knee pants and sport shoes.
He sat 12o'clock of me, can clearly see his face, but the problem is the people who speak not at is direction.
Sometimes I saw him looked at me, sometimes I saw him avoided my sight.
I do not know why this happened between us.
I saw him smiles when I laughed.
But I hate when I overreacted.
Majority of the members agreed to stay in village next residency.
And because of BBQ, I agreed to stay too, lol~~
And I saw him smile again...

I love looking his face, hmmm...
When I will get bored of his face??

Can I love him??

Wondering

Hmmm...
He wore blue on Sunday, black on Monday, red on Tuesday, purple not yet wash?
So he will wear white?
Or the plain black new shirt??
Or he wont appear tomorrow???

When I looked at him today, feeling him as so huge to me, I am too tiny =.= yet fat T.T
Big head, big palms, big arms, even borrow white coat also can not fit in T.T

His palms double of mine I guess?
Wonder how it will be if a small and a huge hand hold together...
Emptiness in between??

By the way, he did not online today...
Where he went??
Or he is working hard studying?

Lyrics

The words that he wanted to tell the girl??

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you

And tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, Coming up tails

Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

And tell me you love me, Come back and hold me

Oh and I rush to the start

爱我别走

如果你说 你不爱我

不要听见你真的说出口

再给我一点温柔

I feel wonderful

Because I see the love light in your eyes

And the wonder of it all

Is that you just don't realize

How much I love you

都对你说 莎郎嘿哟means I love you

代表着我 离不开你

每分每秒 每一个声音

只有你撒娇 会让我微笑

莎郎嘿哟 只对你说

I will love you and forevermore

我答应 baby you will see

每一个我都属于你

And the moment that you wander far from me

I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you may not think

I care for you

When you know down inside

That I really do

And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love

I really need to learn

Cause were living in a world of fools

Breaking us down

When they all should let us be

We belong to you and me

 I believe in you

You know the door to my very soul

Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour

Youre my saviour when I fall

I'm gonna love you

When the time is right

Be thinking of you

Every day and every night

To think you're somewhere in this world

And someday I will make you my wife

So everyday we're not together

I hope you know that you'll be alright

Cause I...

I'm gonna make you feel like you're the only girl in the world

Like you're the only one that I'll ever love

Like you're the only one who knows my heart

Oh

Like you're the only one that's in command

Cause you're the only one who understands

How to make me feel like a man

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are 

I can't be held responsible

She was touching her face

I won't be held responsible

She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember

What made us think that we were wise and

We'd never compromise

For the life of me I cannot believe

We'd ever die for these sins

We were merely freshmen 

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

It's undeniable

That we should be together

It's unbelievable

How I used to say that I'd fall never

The basis is need to know

If you don't know just how I feel

Then let me show you now that I'm for real

If all things in time

Time will reveal

Yeah...

So Incredible

The way things work themselves out

And all emotional

Once you know what it's all about, babe

And undesirable

For us to be apart

Never would of made it very far

Cause you know you got the keys to my heart

One - you're like a dream come true

Two - just wanna be with you

Three - Girl it's plain to see

That you're the only one for me

Four - repeat steps one through three

Five - make you fall in love with me

If ever I believe my work is done

Then I'll start back at one...yeah...

From my youngest years till this moment here

I've never seen such a lovely queen

From the skies above to deepest love

I've never felt crazy like this before

Paint my love you should paint my love

It's the picture of thousand sunsets

It's the freedom of a thousand doves

Baby you should paint my love

Been around the world then I met you girl

It's like coming home to a place I've known

Since you came into my life

The days before all fade to black and white 

You tell me you're in love with me
That you can't take your pretty eyes away from me
It's not that I don't want to stay
But every time you come too close I move away
I wanna believe in everything that you say
Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me you just have to know.
Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right,
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time.
I don't wanna be so shy, uh-ah
Every time that I'm alone I wonder why
Hope that you will wait for me
You'll see that, you're the only one for me
I wanna believe in everything that you say
Cause it sounds so good
But if you really want me, move slow
There's things about me, you just have to know.

I could lie awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Well you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
And just stay here lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you
Feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
Just stay in this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

The smile on your face let's me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all 

The silence isn't so bad  

Til I look at my hands and feel sad  

Cause the spaces between my fingers  

Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways  

Though I haven't slept in two days  

Cause cold nostalgia  

Chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight 

I'll sit on the front porch all night  

Waist-deep in thought because 

When I think of you 

I don't feel so alone

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
I'd steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
Well I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess
Is it god's test?
Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while, a while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

But you didn't have to cut me off 

Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing  

I don't even need your love, 

but you treat me like a stranger 

And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low  

Have your friends collect your records  

And then change your number  

Guess that I don't need that though 

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Guessed it right!

He did not go to lectures today, while I rested in library after lunch.
Then I guessed his shirt color for today.
Yesterday he wore blue, means today he will wear purple, but since he wore the purple during the CFCS, so he will wear red.
And I waited him outside the room, cause I can not bear with the air-conditioner.
So when he opened the door *I hided somewhere*, and I guessed it right!

Then sometimes I caught him looked at me, but overall he is in good mood.
He bought the Borneo Night ticket, and he did not give the key chain to Lyn instead he gave it to Fatin.
He asked who wants that*it is a green cat*, but as usual I did not ask anything from him.
He wore red, the key chain is green, Lyn showed me, so I said Merry Christmas~
And he felt himself stupid in CNS, he did not study for long time I think?
And he pointed to Amu, said with his pretending anger: "You should feel it too!!"
Lol, first time see him teased Amu, since he treated Amu very nice since his first year.

I noticed he changed new shoes, without decoration, not like the last one, but I saw there is a logo both sides.
This made me think of my imagination last month?  Here

So we went to bedside, I forgot to bring my white coat, then I had been struggling to find one, he walked in front me, and I crossed him to talk with Lyn , and he teased me more "Lam nua" than him. T.T
Yea, I am T.T

Somemore I can not reach Cindy's phone, and while walking he saw DS and he asked me to borrow from him, I said, if I wear DS one, then I will become baby already T.T
He laughed at me T.T
Luckily DS same group with JH, and cause DS is tall, that is why we all saw DS but not JH, so I borrowed from JH. ^.^

The physical examination teaching was nice, depended to the doctor, and also his mood.
I looked at him when he joked and we smiled, his eyes are small with his smile~
We learnt a lot of skills.
I always have no interaction with him, cause I scared hurt, cause I am not brave.

And when he showed hyperreflexia when the doctor did the technique, we all so excited cause his muscles can be eliciting so easily, lol~
He laughed because of our reactions, and also worried if he has any other health problem.
And we laughed when the doctor put his posture so girly, and also called him "sayang~"
And he scolded us because we like to see that kind of things~

Haiz.
How I should face him?
When I stared at him, and he met my sight, I should be calm!!



So how should I act so that people will not think that I have something toward him, and just let me be?
And how should I act so that I can really treat him just as friends but not further??

Singing

I tried to sing the song, but I found that I really cant sing, how comes he is so multi-talented, his voice, his body movements, his stamina, his intelligence T.T

Arrgghhh, I have to make more good dept...

Villager's life 7

That day, he fetched us back to the house after photo taking, and he said "Good night, and I knew this house will always be late one, I can not come so early, rest well, sweet dream."
He talked nicely to the girls, and no wonder Jo likes him so much.

We spent time watching tv together at night, spiderman? or the skiflyvning competition.

The third day, we were late again, when we reached there by 8am, everything had settled down.
I was blurred with my job scope, and just I realised I was with the talk group.
I was quite free, our talk started at 10am, and I just wasted my time by walking around.

During the talk, I did not went into the room, I pretended I wanted to distribute the booklets~
While I watched him taking history for the villagers.

We had a late lunch, he was hungry~
So we did this!

He always stand like that, so Lyn imitated him, posing like him~
But she failed, lol~~~

We had lunch after that, while I felt guilt cause I thought that time Thban them were busy and so I did not call them for lunch.
Thban angry with me T.T

Lyn was picking the dishes very long time, and people started to complain, so I teased her by singing "What do you want? What do you want for (breakfast)?"
Cause she wanted to find something nice from the dishes.
Then he continued teasing  her with sang a wrong song, hehehehehe~~
I think he just wanted to play with me by singing a song which can represent the sentence that we want to say.
"What you want from me??"
Hahaha, wrong!!
Lyn answered him "Everything!!"
Lol~~
So he finished taking his food and ran away~
I followed him and sat diagonal from him, 2 seats away.
And actually I chose 2 seats away from him initially, but I can not see him if I sit like that...
So I switched, and I think he sensed that and thought that I do not like to go near him???

And he went away straight after finishing his meal.

I went to chat with Imran after meal.
He asked me to take his photo with that fella, when I wanted to take photo, the 2 girls suddenly appear and occupied the middle of the photos, lol~~

Lyn played with him after taking this.
And I asked Amu to leave them alone. Lol~~

I always just can see his back.

He was annoyed?
Or he was happily played with her??
I saw his smiles, and I took a lot of his photos~~

Then we shifted to play card at the registration counter, and leaved him there, for a quiet sleep.

And when we settled down for the cards, he walked into his car, opened his air-conditioner~~~
I ran into the car, I stopped for awhile when I have to choose seat, whether I should sit front or back, but my brain turned so fast and I decided to opened the back door diagonal from him.

I asked: "Got air cond or not??"
And I sat inside straight after I felt the coolness~~~

Lyn rushed into the car, right after I got into the car.
Lol, if that was her who went into the car first, will I follow??

And he sighed, he is not that kind of guy who will ask a girl to go down from his car.
He regrets that he did not locked the door at the first place.
Lyn heard that and she asked if he wants her to go down from the car.
He said "If you want to stay just stay."
And so, I will not go down cause I am pretty sure I will not make any noise but she just disturbed his sleep and his peace, so she became the target.
Lol~~
He did not say anything when I alone in the car, but regrets after she came.
Not because I am special, cause he knows I will just keep silence like he fetched me for the first time.

We slept in the car for more than half an hour*of course he did open slightly the window for ventilation*

I moved a lot cause it was too bright, while he was well slept until he slightly snored~~
Lol~~~
I heard for once, but Lyn the one who was awake and heard that the most.
She said it was mild and nearly can not notice.

Then we were gathered to be told about the duties.
I wanted *actually Amu suggested* to folllow their group while W also wanted to change with me.
But Lyn felt it is not suitable and he seconded, so I lost~
By the way, it was nothing even I followed my own team.

We were lazy and we just simply walked and explained.
I ate a lot of Rambutan and I scared Azri, hahahahahahaha, cause I acted like a real villager, or a guy.
Then we rested at Kopitiam, and asked people to fetch us back.
Thban peeled the Rambutan for me when we gathered.
We chatted and viewed the photos.

And I saw something disgusting!!!
He touched or can say that he pressed his own breast!!!

And there are a lot photos that he smiled to B.

 
And I can only the photos of his back.

Then he asked if people wanted to buy bus ticket, cause he was going back to buy.

We played with the hola hoop and took photo, he pulled the hoop without me noticing it, he was pulling from my back, from Amu and Lyn's side, mean I totally can not see, .
And I was checking our photo, all a sudden there was a force backward >.<
And I still managed to take photo~

We found there was a writing about Iki <3 air="air" and="and" backward="backward" br="br" came="came" carrying="carrying" evil="evil" fiona="fiona" from="from" hanging="hanging" he="he" his="his" hold="hold" i="i" iki="iki" in="in" it="it" ki="ki" love="love" me="me" much="much" naughty="naughty" photo="photo" photos="photos" smile="smile" so="so" stop="stop" take="take" taking="taking" the="the" to="to" tried="tried" was="was" went="went" with="with">Huiyo, strong! @.@

And the girls went into the car and found that it was so crowded. *Of course, I chose to sit fully, not sat near him during that ride, before that I sat beside him and I did not occupy much of the seat.*
They laughed that we ate too much while enjoying village life.
He teased Lyn as the most occupying space person, while he always like to turn a corner vigorously and he did not do that for safety.
Lyn asked him to buy bus ticket when we reached out house, they stayed alone for awhile, and the girls think of something not true, hahaha~~~

And he did not appear during the night meeting, I just saw him passing by to send Fiona back to her house.