Selanjar 2 OSCE

Huh...
I can pass this paper I think, and actually I can get better result if my roomate give me her answers for past year questions yesterday...
Arrrgghhhh, I need more confidence in Medical Field!!!!

Yu chat with me!!!
I miss her!!!
And actually she is not going Maldives???
Hahahaa, she made fun~~

Exam!!!! First Night!!!!

Thought that I can pass through this exam period easily...
And now I realized that I have a lot more not yet finish reading!!!!!
I think of no sleep tonight....

SBQ Selanjar 2

I think I can score in this paper because of the past year question...
Now I need to study for my OSCE...
I am quite satisfied with today performance.
Hope that I can get great result >.<

Heart Beat Raise!!!!

I tachycardiac from morning till now...
I think will continue until this Thursday...
I promised myself not to have this kind of feeling last selanjar.
I also promised myself to get a B for this selanjar.
But what had I done???
I did not pay attention in class.
I did not work hard after class.
I just do not keep what I promised to myself.
What should I do to myself???

Exam!!!!!!!!!

I am going to have my exam tomorrow!!!!!!
And I have to remember what I had memorized today!!!!
Arrrgghhhhhh!!!!!!

Crazy!!!!!!

Worry

Just realized that I can not listed out the differential diagnosis of all disease I learnt this semester.
There is a lot that I do not know how to differentiate.

I am going to.....

Arrgghh, do not want to say it out...

Exam Period

I hate exam period, although there is always a holiday follow that.
I look at my notes, lots of it haven't finish study.
I look at past year questions, I can not answer.

I am now waiting to go to play game, I mean, the exam hall, the lab, the bedsides...

Another thing, I always concern my friends' posts and guess that were them talking about me???

When seeing Yu's post, I thought of her relationship, that started 2 years ago, and they are so matching that, they decided to proceed their relationship into a marriage.

I think, my previous relationship was unstable because we had reached a stage that need a change.

Either from long distant, to near distant, or breaking.

Yu's started her relationship when the guy graduated and they always stick together, even work together.
They have same aim in life I think?

I wish for their happiness.

Yu's Marriage

Yu is getting married.
I saw her post of going honeymoon in Maldives tomorrow.
I saw she changed her status to "married".
Her husband said they will get marry on 8.6.2013.
That time I will be in holiday.
And I think I will reserved the week but, I do not sure she will find me.
I am not her friend anymore.
She never tell me about anything.
I am not a good friend.

Again, friendship...

Just realized that, the another 2 friends who I care during my secondary school life, blocked me from seeing their photos...
Was I really so bad when I was in secondary school???
I know both of them working already, and maybe their world not as as me anymore...
I was so immature that time...
That I do not know how to protect my friend.
That I do not know to cherish who accompany by my side...

They are who made me who I am now...


I love them, I miss them, and I lost them...

Failed or Succeed??

I succeed!!!
Ok, maybe the circumferences did not change much, maybe really my breast become smaller,

BUT I lost weight of 2.5-3kg!!!

Yuhuuuu!!!!

This photo looks thin of my thighs!!???

Taken this afternoon 4pm~~

Dieting... Failed!!!

Ok, I tried to diet, for 15 days, half a month, my circumferences did reduce.
But, once I ate normally, I mean, previously I did not take dinner, and today I took it.
And, my circumferences now just same as before I diet.
The most sad thing is, my breast circumference reduced and I do not know if it will return the previous size when I eat normally, or stay small like now. T.T
Maybe that is the only circumference that reduce forever for dieting... T.T
Previously I bought 34 inches, and I realised I bought the wrong size, then I tried 32 inches, and now if I continue dieting and after I bought my new sport shoes and free from exam, I will start jogging and playing badminton again.
If I success, maybe I should buy 30 inches already.
And I do not know how to correct my body proportion, maybe I should wear long T-shirt and dress only to cover that...

These photos are taken this afternoon we went chanting and let Long Phor hear by MP3.
I am the only one with short legs and long verterbrae...
T.T

 Different versions of photos, others are in their hometown and they all called to us so that we can chanting together ^.^

One day...

I saw my friend went to travel with her boyfriend.
They took some photos, that I feel, Wow!!!
They are handsome and pretty couple, so whatever photos they took just nice!!!
I picked some that I felt the most~~

*YT, if you see this, do not charge me for the photo copyright >.<*

Both the postures of guy and girl are appropriate, got feel~
Even there is error, I think the people can stand nearer to the camera, while the focus is on the curving of the wall??
Another better suggestion is, the edge of the wall is near to the camera on the left of the photo, they stand far from the wall with sunshine on a ground with grasses, or with flowers, and the focus still on the carving of the wall,
they look blur, then is prefect!!!

The girl posture is nice, while the guy really does not know how to pose, hahahaa!!!
But still very sweet la~~

Maybe they can try like the guy hug the girl off the ground and look to each other??
*The guy arms must be strong la*

The guy should not bent like this >.<
Maybe he is not tall enough...
Arrgghh, Hyun Bin the best!!!
But the girl's posture is very very very good!!!

This effect is nice, and they are really matching each other!!
Pretty and handsome, Lol!!!

I will try to be presentable, and take this kind of photo, if I have my partner, or, if I am alone, will ask my friend who expert in photography to take my photo, or actually I can put a tripod and use a remote control to take my own photo???
...
...
...

Pathetic =.=

Stress

I am stress, yes I am...
I made a wish before last exam, that I want to be calm during the following exam, actually what I meant was: "I should hardworking studying before the exam and not panic and anxious and nervous during the future exams."
But what I get is stay calm and easy even I did not study much...
OMG, I am prepared to fail??!!!
I do not want it!!!

When I took a nap this afternoon, my heartbeat raised because of adrenaline...

I think I am dead...
In academic...

I hate it!!!!

No NO NOOOOO!!

I Love You, exam, I really love you, I will treat you gently, no worry, I love you, really ...

*Going to 5th florr sooner or later*

Hong Kong Macau With F&F!! ---Preparation 3

I should say, I am kind of shopping kaki >.<
Although last year Thailand trip I did not buy what I had planned. (The money spent to buy some clothes that do not suit my style =.=)
And I also did not change enough money...
This year too, I did not change much money...
My bro changed SGD1000 for me, mean RM2500 =HKD6000

From my calculation, we will spent about HKD4500-HKD5000, while the remaining HKD1000, I will plan to buy:
Sport Shoes HKD280-400
Formal Shoes HKD120-150
My Friend's Perfumes about HKD100
Backpack HKD120-180
Formal Wear HKD50-100
My Perfume (Jasmine) HKD60
My Inner Wear HKD100

While I have so many more wanna to buy >.<
Vitasoy Honeydew
Twining Tea
>.<

Should I change more money there???

Injection

Oh ya!!!
The other day I read about another blogger, who succeed to loss weight from 60++ until now skinny.
She has great determination.
But after all, she become more and more aggressive on her appearance.
I think most of the girls do not mind of plastic surgery, so injections are not a big problem for them.

From last time I wondered how come a person can change so much after dieting and exercising.
Ya, they did help but not much, and also that is the key for the body to burn fat.

Yet, for intensive results, they can go to slimming and fitting center.
They also will go to get some injection, to have a higher dorsum of the nose, to have deep set eyes, to have V-shaped chin, to have apple cheeks.

If someone want for a cute forehead, they have to do surgery to change the hairline.
While the eyeslashes can grow longer and thicker by putting some liquids.

I plan to buy the liquid that promote eyelashes growth.
Hmmm, please do not be lazy, Moon >.<

Date

Saw photos of him with friends.
One of them is a pretty girl I guess.
She said the toilet bowl ice cream just looked like his hair, hahahahaa!!!
And he politely replied the girl.
This is the different of treating pretty girl and normal girl.
But that is not real him...
Hahahaaaa, just simply guess.
Because he will show his courtesy in facebook to public.
Lol~~
Except in our private group =.=

Change

I want to change!!!!
People might say that I have to change my attitude first...
About my future, about my career...
But now what I want to change is my appearance.

For 5 months of giving up, now I still want to be a different girl with the old me.
I did not eat proper meals for 11days already.
I think I can keep dieting for my whole life...
Follow the 8 precepts rules, I can have diet from wake up until 130pm, then I can take inappropriate drinks.
Actually I can take milk, milo, holicks, cheese, plain chocolate whenever I hungry.

I want to have 42kg with breast 81cm, arm 22cm, ribs 65cm, waist 60cm, umbilical 67cm, hip 85cm, thigh 49cm, calf 30cm.

In the mean time, I will change all my shoes into wedge shoes with platform

for formal

for outing

 Even going to beach, flat shoes with wedges.

I will not wear flat shoes anymore. One exception is sport shoes.

One of my target now is nude color wedge shoes

While I like to wear whole dress, I want a nice body to hang the dress on it.
Sweetheart neckline

Princess sleeves

Detached sleeves

Square collar

While mermaid cut is too insecure for me >.<

Jumpsuit!!!

Skirts
Shorts, of jeans and others...

I like all these classic wedding dresses...
19 century style...

Exam Exam Exam!!!!!!

I hate exam!!!
How I can stand for 3 years??

T.T

Happy To See Me

I started to Skype with my parents.
When they see me, they feel happy and I feel happy too...
How many times I can spend with them somemore??
Today, 1 hours...
Then the next time???
I have trip on 4 August with my family and friends, then I asked HS to fetch me on 15 August...
My parents asked me not to ask people to fetch me at midnight...
Hmmm, I should tell HS.
Then I will take flight on 15 August, about 10pm, to Bangkok.
Then I will come back on 29 August and find Raiiny, to deliver her the perfumes and stay her place.
So, I will stay at home for 1 week, and I will go back to school on 7 September night bus.
It depends whether I have accompany, or not...

I miss my family...
I feel guilty when I am not study and I spend more than them...
I am such not motivated person, I should study harder....

While I chat with Jambu for a while.
And I felt that I am not a good person...
Why I did cruel thing to him???
I should stop contact him.

I am extravagant!!

I spent money like flowing water... (Chinese Proverb)
If calculate the amount I spent for this year...
Hmmmm,more than 12k I think??
T.T
I need to save money save money save money...
T.T

Hong Kong Trip- RM2800
Bangkok Trip- RM1000
KL Trip- RM500
Amway Products- RM1000
Tuition Fee- RM2500

Daily Expenditure- RM4200
Each Month- RM400

Hmmm, after count like this look like ok only??

Next year plan to have Taiwan Trip and Shifu's Trip, I do not think that I can save...

Taiwan Trip- RM3000
Shifu's Trip- RM1000
KL Trip- RM500
Tuition Fee- RM2500
Amway Products- RM1000

Hmmm.... Look like the same only...

I Miss You

Suddenly think of telling him that I Miss Him.
I am thinking of last exam, we were chatting, and wondering whether he misses the time that we talk nonsense.
But surely, again I will get his anger, and I will get hurt.
Although decided to not think about him, but the fact is, I no longer angry of any of his bad actions to me, I just accept that I have no chance to get him, yet I still hope for his happiness, hope for a fake friendship with him.

Fake= He thought we are friends, but I have a crush on him >.<

Lost weight

I think I lost some kind of weight, although I did not weigh myself.
I measured my subcostal, umbilical and perinuem which is to the top of the tummy, the decrement is satisfactory.
I diet for 1 week, and I have this result, plus I did a few movement meditation.
So, jogging is not useful for me, but dieting!!!

Pathetically, my arm, calf and thigh circumferences still the same, I think my fat burn from the trunk first, then the limbs...

I need to loss my weight until 44kg, and I need my subcostal to loss 9cm more, umbilical to loss 5cm more, tummy to loss 6cm more, derniere to loss 5cm more, thigh to loss 4cm more, calf to loss 5cm more, overall, I need to loss 5cm more.

This result is better than I jogged from 3 months >.<
Seriously???

Reply

Just for a post of him, I acted so much, finding the photo of him look alike Rain.
While doing all these, my heart beat races, my hands shake, my whole body temperature drops...
I provoked him, I was replying emotionless, I did not feel like happy or excited, but nervous...
We failed to communicate.
We got a hidden fight perhaps???

I should not reply his post...

That I think quite look alike, but he disagreed.
The fact is : Rain still the more handsome.

A boyfriend

 After a break up (4 months), a crush(4 months), experienced a few months of moody(4 months), now I am free from them!!!
Hmmm, in this stage I hope for a boyfriend, hahahaa!!!(Maybe it just last for 4 months???)

Not a specific one, not like a crush, just a random happening.
Last year I was imagining to have a boyfriend from friendship and actually it did not happen.

Although both of them still have some affections toward me, but I am not important for them, they became insignificant~~~

For KM, he did give me full imagination that he was the type of guy that I find for...
But actually he is not??
Never be couple, so I do not know.
But he messed my requirements for my next boyfriend.

Still, from outside, he must not has curly hair, and got a smooth and nice looking forehead. He can look nice--> when he does not use the hair to cover like Justin Bieber, or even when he shaves all the hair.
He must have nice shaped nose with high dorsum, this is the main thing of face, it is in the middle (cause I do not have a nice face...) When a person has nice nose, he can look nice too from the side views, handsome!!!
The better is if the guy got dimple, both sides or one side. It is very very very cute!!!
The height must more than 173cm, although Jambu 176cm, while Ming 178cm, but I think I should not have too high expectation, as long as he got long legs >.< Okok, he got a proportion of 4:6 is better than 5:5...

I think he is 5:5, but because he likes to show his abs, so the effect makes him like 6:4， hahahaha!!



About the family background, I hope that he is not the only child at home, parents are kind, that I will try to mix with the family. His mother can cook, so that I can learn from her, so that I can always make him happy when he misses home. The siblings should be have good relationship when him and love him too.
I hope that he has no family member with great gambling habit or family violence or drug abuse or prostituting.

The most important, his personalities.
First, no drink no drug no gambling no smoking no prostituting. Ok, passed.
Second, must be a Buddhist.
Third, serious in his job or everything he wants to do, confident, good in English(so that he teaches English I teach Chinese to the kids).
Third, not mix with girls with no limit.

For all that above, there is one thing missing, that is LOVE.
Without love, everything is just candy packaging with candy missing.
Although Shifu said love is a selfish act.
Why people willingly give his love, because he feels good after doing that, that if he does not feel good after doing that, he will not give his love.
So, I must make him feel worth to treat me good, I must make him feel good to own me.

I will just consider the guy who chase me and ask me to be his girlfriend.
I do not want the relationship to stay unclear.
He will promise to work hard to maintain our relationship.
He will not stay apart from me for long (my limitation:2 years if our relationship is stable, half year if we are just the beginning of everything, or if he is capable to let me stay beside him, then I will follow him)
If he is so unbonded with our relationship, he falls in love with others, having sex with others, I will just let him go, not that I do not care, I am too cruel, but if he decides to do that, then can prove that actually he does not love me much. Then let both free.

I hate to give advices to own boyfriend, but in the same time I hate if my boyfriend asks other girls about how to solve the conflicts between couple...
So, I think I should find someone who has same tone with me, can understand me without me saying it.

By the way, this kind of guy still exists in this world??

Couples

Long time did not search the news of hometown friends.
Actually I have not much friends there.
But to compete the amount of friends in facebook with him, I tried to add some people that I recognize their faces.
*He accepts new friends but I am pathetically add others T.T*

I saw a couple broke up in April, and now the guy(who was my neighbor) got new girlfriend.
While I do not think that he can get a new one in so short time...
Maybe he chased for another while he not yet break with the owned one...
I saw their photo before, they are both from hometown, and also the girl even joined his relative's wedding before.
Relationship can be so fragile...
The girl was sad and I do not know her condition now.
The guy shows off his new girlfriend via his profile picture and also some face-kissing photos...
The new couple accept the wishes from friends...

Another couple still stable, the girl(Lim) being together with Ah Pia's cousin(Lim).
And when two hometown friends going together, I always feel surprised, cause I realize the circle is so small and they did not find someone outside the circle.

While to ex-boyfriend(Lim) of the girl above has a new girlfriend out of our hometown circle.
Congratulation!!
It happens just a few months back. That he had another ex(the daughter from grocery shop) who is younger than us by 1 year, and they always break and get back together, break and get back together, and now seriously no return??

The couple who broke before CNY this year (Ah B & Swallow) were stable when they went to Polytechnique together. The girl older than himby 1 year but academicly no different.
Another polytechnique couple, my big eyes friend(Leong) with a girl who older than me 2 years, older than him 1 year, but academicly older than him 2 years, still consider stable I think.
My neighbor(still neighbor but we do not meet at all) was with a girl older than him before, now also stays single do not know why.
While Ah Pia now in hardship to get hypertrophy muscles, all efforts, money and time spend in this aspect, and he said he does not want a girlfriend in this stage... Really???
SK goes stable with his girl from Form 4, Congratulation!!!
Wow, very stable, it is almost 6 years!!

Actually, I am thinking of, people, or friends, or people previously have the same circle with me, they experienced a lot and grew more mature...
While I am still a student, I still immature, I still do not know anything about this society...
Feel frustrated.

Happy

Recently our PBL group discussed about Korean Pop Star look alike...
Fifa said I look like Eun Hye, that actually I did not know who, she explained Kim Joon Kok's Girl friend, that I think I can tried Google search her.

So I just know that the girls said he looks alike some artists.
That night, I searched for the couple's photo and uploaded it.
Then I just know that they said he looks alike the guy while I look alike the girl, who have rumors of coupling.
While another friend uploaded an old man photo that has small eyes, while Fifa somemore suggested another small eyes Korean footballer.

Tonight, he commented in the group. He said he can not accept the footballer and the artist, but he can accept KJK.
Maybe because he is the most ok looking among the look alike, and he is well-known in Korean Stars that he has great muscle.

Still, I feel happy because he allowed to look alike KJK, while I look alike Eun Hye~~
Lalala~~~

The only close photo..

Independent

Every month, girls can be suffer from menstrual pain very very much...
Trying to sleep to ignore the pain, can not drink cold, iced, tea and coffee drinks. Even hot chocolate might worsen the pain...
I do not like to eat pain killer...
So I choose to sleep...
It will be wonderful if there is a warm bag on my perineum...
And I always forget to get a hot brown sugar syrup, it can reduce the pain...
I should drink more frequently like 3 day once, 1 week once, but I always think of that when I get pain...

So, I need to be independent, from pain, to reduce the pain...

T.T
I hate the pain...

Hope that I will not meet my period when I visit to Hong Kong, but unpreventable, I will get my next period during the Bangkok Trip...

Think backward, I met my perios duting my last Hong KOng trip, my last Bangkok trip =.=
So unlucky T.T

Blogger

I followed a few bloggers, I like their stories.
Just now found another blogger, Mikiko.
Initially I was just reading her trip about Macau and Hong Kong.
And also I did not know about her relationship with her partner, William.
And read that they are being together for 13 years already.
I thought that this is a 35++ woman, but actually she is very young, 31 years old now.
She is married and she pak thor with her husband since she was 18.
Reading her blog about her relationship, feeling that her husband treats her very well, hahaha~~
And she loves her mother very much, I strongly can feel that via her writing.
Her writing also very interesting, not like me, quite boring, hahaha!!

From her blog, I think of him.
I am now 21 and I knew him for 8 years already.
Mikiko's husband treats her like they are just going into a relationship, but actually they fall in love for 13 years already.
I feel they loves each other very much, that Mikiko has no hidden story behind him, while William works hard for their future.

I am now waiting for a guy, who we will work very hard to maintain our relationship, and not a long distance relationship.
If there is no guy who can appreciate my weirdness, my immature and cant wait until I become more mature, and he also grow in the same time(mentally, of course), I will just stay single and will not marry.
Actually being single should be my priority now, cause relationship is an main obstruction in learning Buddhism.
When there is a relationship, there will be a family, there will be some kids, there will be a lot of household chores that I can not even remind myself about Sama Araham, morning and evening chanting, movement meditation and sitting meditation. How about the 8 precepts, how about the giving??
Only wise person is lucky enough to have no relationship.
Everytime I think of this, I think of another him.
He has no relationship until the age of 22, he never drink before, but he does fishing and having pets...

These two wise guys I meet, are the 2 most special guy I know.
I do respect them.

In process of learning English, insist not to use Chinese to describe, but even Chinese also can not express my feeling now very well.

Hong Kong Macau With F&F!! ---Preparation 2

I had searched for many restaurants in Hong Kong and Macau.

Sham Shui Po
维记咖啡粉面 The pork organ mee is the most famous, another is the kaya French Toast.
合益泰小食 The Chu Cheung Fan and Shiu Mai are both nice.
绿林甜品 The Chestnut Sweet Soup and Black Sesame Sweet Soup are nice. Others can be tried.
公和豆品厂 The Jin Yong San Bo (fried Yong Tao Fu) is the famous food of them, DaoFu Pok, Soy Juice, TaoFufa also nice.
坤记糕品专家 The famous PutZaiGou(Rice Cake in Bowl), Bak Tong Gou(Fermented White Sugar Rice Cake), HongDauGou(Red Bean Rice Cake), Black Sesame 9 Layers Rice Cake
谭仔云南米线（三哥） The Yunnam Mihun

Mongkok
富记粥品 Roasted goose is better than other restaurant which famous with roasted goose, Dry Fried Beef with Keuw Teow, any porridge will be nice, fish, century egg, roasted goose, beef.
妹记生滚粥品 The Fish Belly Porridge and Fish Skin Salad is nice.
旦王 The Sour & Spicy Mee is the famous food.
糖百府 The ice with the special sauce and desserts~
稻香超级渔港 Pier 88 Need 孖宝单because the price is cheaper from 7am to 11 am, and confirm the bill even not yet for payment. Chicken claws with Pork Ribs rice is nice, Buns with several flavors also nice, with sesame sauce etc.~
通记面食专家  Chicken Claws Rice, Pork Leg with Fermented Toufu Sauce, Pork Leg Chicken Claws Mee also nice~

Suspended

Dad said they want to travel as much as possible as soon as possible.
He said that mummy scared she can not walk or can not stand tiredness of traveling anymore.
I worried there is something behind this...

Not Focus

I did not focus on studying...
I searched for other things, reading the blogs....
I hate to fail my exam!!!

Stalker

I saw him online awhile and off and online and off..
What he is doing??
Curious...

Hong Kong Macau With F&F!! ---Preparation

I prepared this trip from last year July, when I worked in Wangsa Walk, as Streamyx Promoter.
We spent RM326 each for flight, then RM84 for luggage, RM150 for tune hotel, RM45 each for bus ticket to LCCT, while my brother will come from Singapore to LCCT.

While in HK and Macau, we will spend approximate RM2000.

We will stay Golden Island Guesthouse in HK, with quarter room.  About Macau, we will stay at Sintra Hotel. We planned to squeeze four in a Deluxe Twin Room.

1st day - Apliu Street, Mongkok Night Market, and Langham Place.
2nd day - Mongkok Flower Market, Bird Park, Stanley, Repulse Bay, Tsim Sha Tsui, Victoria Harbour and Star Avenue.
3rd day - Ang Ping 360, Great Buddha, Dai-O and Citygate Outlet.
4th day - Ocean Park and Star Avenue.
5th day - HongKong Historical Musuem, Sciences Museum, Art Museum, Astronomy Museum, 1881 Heritage, and Harbour City.
6th day - Disneyland.
7th day - General Post Office, Outdoor Escalator, Hong Kong Park, Tea Museum, Tram, Time Square, Bazaar, and Sogo.
8th day - Hong Kong University, Medical Museum, Antique Street, The Peak, Lan Kwai Fong.
9th day - Historical Spots, Macau Art Museum, Escada, Casinos.
10th day - Post Office, Stow's Garden Cafe, Casinos.
11th day - Historical Spots, A Lorcha, Margeret's Cafe

So, this is it~~~

Hope for it to go smoothly~~~

Marriage

I just saw the news of Nicholas and Cecelia may get back together.
So I happily tell their stories to Lyn and Wendy.
And they said my concept of marriage is wrong.
The concept of divorce because of a purpose of warning.
I do not understand.
If my husband cheat on me, did something that beyond what I can stand, then I do not have a right to separate with him??
Seriously, if my husband drink, smoke, drug, gambling, going to prostitute, have any unclear relationship with other girls, I can not stand.
And for Cecelia case, before that I do not understand why she can not be nice with the guy.
But later people told me if a wife really think of her husband's feeling, she will not have that kind of actions...
I believe I will avoid that person who may embarrass my husband.
Somemore Nicholas chose to stand by her when the news of the photos published on those magazines.
He supported her a lot.
It can really hurt the husband, just like she did not cherish how difficult they can be together.
Showed to the public one already so hard, how many hardship more under the table???

And Lyn said that marriage is a sacred thing in our life. She will just marry once.
She said I took marriage as a game, took divorce as a warning, if she was a guy, she will not marry me.

So, when I feel so disappointed with my husband, when I feel I being betrayed by my husband, I can not choose to separate with him???

I said, I will give him a second chance.

She said, so you divorce with him and say, you will remarry him? Then why you divorce with him??
By the way, why you marry him in the first place?? And you want to give a second chance, she should give him before divorce. Marriage is a sacred thing and you marry and divorce and marry and divorce and marry???

I told her that this depends on how he behaves and his attitudes after divorced. And he is the same guy who I marry and divorce and marry. I am not marry to a lot of guys.

I kept saying that until I told her, the husband become nicer, better, wants you back so much, chasing you and touch you heart for second time.
Then she said, oh, you mean he chases you and you fall for him again??? Now I understand you.

She said I became so defensive, and of course.
She misunderstood me and thought that I took marriage as a game, I can not agree with her statement about me.

Although I can choose to keep silence and smile to her, just do not care.
But I know I acted like that because I still treat her a friend.
If one day I do not argue anymore, mean I do not care of outside world anymore.

Well, back to the topic, opposite to what Lyn said about me, because I care of my marriage too much, that's why I need divorce.
If my husband drink, I ask him to stop drinking,
If my husband smoke, I ask him to quit smoking.
If my husband get into drug or gambling, before I marry him, I will ask him not to get involve in these kind of things, I do not need a husband who has no self-esteem that need use chemical to make him happy, and I do not want a husband who likes to use his luck and show his greed, instead, should contented with what we have.
If my husband go for prostituting, then I just can not accept that my husband need sex so much as the main interest in life?? The sex is just a gift for 2 people who love each other, to have a chance to experience happiness together, although the timing might not the same.
If my husband have an or more than one unclear relationships with girls, then what is the point for me to hold a man who his heart not belong to me anymore????
If my husband show violence after marriage, I will straight divorce, because love is not like that. I can not stand staying in fear everyday not knowing when I will get beaten.

This is my borderline. So when husband cross the line, I do not know what will I do that time, but if I really want to divorce, then why not let me do it???
Why I should keep tolerate??

I am sure I still love him, that's why I marry him.
That's why too, I will give him a second chance.
That if he wants me back so much, and observe what he will do once we get divorce.
Maybe he will get into relation with other??? Because I let him free, he feel grate to divorce with me.
Maybe he will just wait for me to forgive him??? Because he regrets with what he did and wants to change.
Maybe he just wants to see the kids if we already have children??? Because he loves the kids.

But, Lyn and Wendy did not give me chance to explain myself actually, they still hold the concept that I take marriage as a game.

While I tried to explain this to them, my face was burning and turned so red...
Lyn asked why I was not shy when I talked about sex.
Because I think sex is superficial while marriage is sacred and deep, that's why I shy to talk about marriage.
She thinks that I am weird, because sex is the thing that more shy to talk about.

I do not know how to describe but maybe I think sex is about the body and marriage is about the spirit.
That's why I feel I am telling the important and cherish thoughts of mine???
So actually I was showing her my true part, but she just took it for granted, that's why I seldom show my real feeling.
I am hurt that's why I am defensive.
And I am hurt when I show my true colors and no one understand me.

So I made myself like a clown, use many colors to hide my true colors.
Do the opposite things to cover what actually I wanted to do...

Not much people can appreciate me, not much...

Crazy

He is not in Kelantan.
And I played an facebook application, saying that he visits my profile every hour.
Although it is fake one, but I still feel happy to know it.
Maybe I can just pretend that this is real...
Went to the last class of my second year.
Feel so stress, I can not play play anymore, I am 22 years old now, if I continue act as I am still 16, it is impossible.
Time flies, I am protected by so many people that I still thought that I was still a kid...
Or I am avoided to know that I am old?
Later I will experience what the uncle auntie experience, doing serious stuffs, buying car buying house, investment, no time for novel no time for movie no time for drama...
How many people already accept this fact??
Or how many people feel great to become older??
I am 48kg now.

Chat

I saw Jambu online, I want to talk...
But I know he will not response to me.
He talked to me for 2 years, and he felt frustrated with me who still not study and worked for other unnecessary stuffs.
He will ask me to quit studying.
He knows me well.

Stressful

Everytime of exam season, I experience this.
I have 120 online friends in facebook, and no one that I can talk to.
People will ask me to study or ask me to give up my course.
But why I decide to continue already, but I am unwilling to study??
There is no one in this campus experience the same thing with me...
They are so hardworking...

Misinterpret

I think he just online with his smart phone on the bus??

Arrgghhh...
What I want to say is, everyday I live in regret and unsatisfied.
I need to study, I have to study, but I did not study.
Every night I lie on my bed, andd what I think is: "Again I did not study today."
I am in great suffer!!!!

Surprise~

He is online, he not going back tonight??
Can I see him until I feel satisfaction tomorrow???

Give up

Everytime think of exam, I think of giving up.
I am not suitable for this??
Am I???
No one can force me to do anything, this is my choice, I should bear with it...

Waiting

I was waiting for him to offline.
To say goodbye.
He went to take bus, going back Penang tonight.

YY saw him flipped his smartphone, and he replied "This is called confidence."

Hope that I can pass my exam...

Diluted

We went to cafe after FLM, I was waiting for my food, while they put their stuffs.
We met Joe and I asked him to have lunch with us.
Then Cindy said his buddy was sitting alone facing the wall.
I went in the cafe, saw him with his red shirt.
I took peek on him when I went to wash my spoon and fork (via the mirror).
Then when I sat down, I did not look at him anymore.
I controlled myself. Maybe the feeling is diluted already.
I just allowed him to exist at the corner angle of my eye.
He put the newspaper to Lyn, just like yesterday.
I did not see him yesterday, I went to put down my pathetic report and presentation marks.
But I saw newspaper, and so knew his present before.

Yesterday, I took peeks on him too when he was sitting in the car, discussing where to have dessert.
I felt he is handsome at that moment.
I saw him was styling his hair, like when I saw him styling his hair in the toilet last time.
It amused me, while I turned away and smile, not letting people know that I smile because of him.
First time I saw him driving, in a small car, hahahaha!!!

Nice, now I can accept if they really mean to be together.
If he likes Jo more, it is depending on his choice~

P/S: Not to offense him, he really does not get a nice body proportion, look not nice although with all those muscles. His legs are short but thin.

Dreamt

A few days ago, I dreamt that me and Jambu became couple again.
I think I am just too fragile, everytime when I think I need someone, I always believe that he is there for me.
What he did for me made me trust him very much.
And the end of the dream, I broke with him again, and he said me again take his love for granted...
No one had hurt him more than I did...
This is what I afraid of, I do not want to hurt him anymore.
And he now living a happy life I think??
I should not disturb him.

Bacause of him

We had a gathering tonight.
And before we went out, Lyn told me that he told her yesterday that he does not feel want to attend our dinner.
I was not waiting for him from the very beginning.
I saw him still online before I off my laptop.
We went to fetch some Murnian.
He was there, wore white outside and inner black t-shirt, shorts, with white Nike sport shoes.
He did not spray a lot, that I can not smell him, good!!
I remember that yesterday the tutor room was full of his scent of cologne, hmmmm, I was thinking that how the people who sat near him suffer from this...
By the way, our car ride was fun~~
I was singing with my terrible voice, little dancing >.<
We went to the restaurant after we pumped the petrol.
Lyn rounded for the whole table and finally chose to sit beside him, I sat 2 seats away from her initially and people asked what wrong with me and Lyn, hahahaaa!!!
They think that I must stick with her, so I sat with her by pushing Iki away.
Actually I just feel pointless if wanted to sit beside him why not walk to him straight away, and why rounded the whole arch of the table??
I did not talk to him.
I tried to talk with others, and he always interrupt my conversation with Iki.
We were not talking to each other but some kind of via others as medium.
We did not took photo together but group photo with all.

Last time, I will tell him: "May I sit with you?? ^.^" Seriously with a smile.
And sit beside him even he said no.
Although he never reject me if I asked like that.
I was hiding myself from him with Lyn's body.
The most good position to hide a sight from one is sit beside him.
Initially there was a seat that direct in front of him, the furthest from him but the eye sight was the most direct and clear.
So that's why I chose the seat 3 seats away from him, he will not direct seeing me, and I will be away from him, safe distance.
But luckily he did not talk to me, so the distance can be ignored only if he did not spray a lot on his body.
I was looking at Iki's direction.
I felt his way to be dominant in everything.
Even in order food. Maybe he is regular customer of that restaurant.
He just ordered the food fast and steady.
And the food was prepared very fast =.=
Like they already knew what we will order...
He ate in a very fast speed, that I did not look at him at all.
What I remember was he wanted everything to be fast, even in distributing food.
Asking us to take the Tomyam soup, he distributed to all, and I do not want to take not because I wanted him to serve me, but if I take, the table will be so crowded.
I can take after everything is settled.
But he can not stand that I did not take my own soup, so he put one in front me after he served Lyn, MY, YL and himself.
And then the dishes were there.
He was very hungry that he waited Iki to start eating.
Iki cannot eat seafood, and so I took some fried egg from the butter prawn.
And when we wanted to finish the fried egg oysters, we divided into two.
I said "一人一半,感情不会散"
In return, he gave me the fish, hehehe, so sweet~~~
Then we planned to go to have some desserts.
He said he wanted to go back for gym already.
And later he changed his mind cause he friends ppk on him.
But after he met his friends on the way walked to MacDonald, he followed his friend went back for gym.
I did not want to see his back facing me, so I be the one faced him with back.
I walked with the girls before he get to decide anything.
I pretended I do not care.
When I looked behind and tried to search for him, he was not there.
I had made preparation that he will not be there for us, for long.

While YL showed his face when we went to MacDonald.
Maybe he was going back already, or we did not go to the restaurant that he wanted to, or we spent too much time together.
He apologized on facebook when he felt regret of doing that...
We discussed about him when we were on the way back.
We are lucky because we were in the car with sporting people.
Lastly, what made me feel shocked was Imran said "Chao la chao la", as it is goodbye.
That fellow taught the wrong thing to Imran =.=

Almost 2am, he chatted me, he wondered why YL apologized on facebook.
And he said YL acted like a kid.
My hands going cool and clammy, just because he chatted with me.
By the way, I felt that I was so tiny that I answered his questions and after he satisfied with his curiosity, he leaved me like that, saying that he wants to sleep already.
I am a 24 hours chatbox??

Reason??

Yesterday Cindy asked me whether I had a thought that I do not need to marry anymore.
She said GX told her she did.
I think GX's talk shocked her a lot.
Cindy thought that Shifu taught us to not marry.
Actually, he was just explaining the suffer of marriage.
I told Cindy before, I will want to deliver my own child even if I do not get a husband, simply from a stranger.
I do not want to get from my own guy friends, and I do not want to know anything about the stranger, and not allow him to know about me.
Because like that the relationship would change.
Friendship become marriage, stranger become husband??
I do not want that.
So, actually before Shifu taught us anything, I already prepared not to marry.
But I changed my mind now, I do not need to purposely have a kid.
Everything is nice, everything is planned.
I will meet someone that suit me if I am destined to have one.
If I do not have anyone beside me, like what Shifu said, I am too wise and I do not need that fragile relationship with a stranger.

But why when he stood near me, I was so confused and my breathing became so irregular??
I cant think, I was uncomfortable with his present.
And I became hyperactive again with his present...
Yesterday with his present, I embarrassed when I failed to present my learning issue...

He combed his hair yesterday.
He was so easily accepting others suggestion about outing.
Maybe he just does not like whatever I am saying.

I will try my best to resist his influence to me.

P/S: He really did not change his cloth...

Concious? Unconcious??

I confused.
Do I still have feeling on him??
I care of him. But whatever he did, I am just observing and do not give a damn.
Lyn told me he compared his fingers length with her, and wondered Lyn's has long fingers.
It reminds me of the time that my palm nearly touches his palm.
He talked with her in mandarin before I went to tutor room last week.
I always go late nowadays, cause there is nothing that makes me have motivation, if I go early, it depresses me instead.
Today, I went late to class.
I still can not talk in PBL.
He did not straighten his hair.
He wore the black shirt that I believe he wants to reduce the number of shirt for laundry.
I saw him looked at me a few times.
Me bravely looked like he was transparent, and forced myself turn away, to not let him knows that I was pretending to be emotionless.
Who knows, I was controlling my heart, it was not pumping abnormally, my emotion, my hormones not elevated by him.
And I actually saw him amused by Lyn of her name, just like he laughed at me last time.
Can I badly think that he is pretending for all this well because he actually an attention seeker, he is fishing of all girls???

Why?
Why I imagined that he holds me tight and apologizes?

I think I am just want a person that can talk.

I was brave!!

When I think back everything I did, I feel that I was brave!!
I played with myself, I mixed with a lot people with different background, and I was not influenced by them.
I was enjoying when I play candle alone, I was enjoying when I play dolls alone, I was enjoying when I went to buy ice stick alone, I was enjoying when I collected thingy alone, I was enjoying when I was cycling alone.
I was high power.
Since when I become the one I am now??
Since I started to have friends? I started to develop loneliness?

I feel grateful of my family education, and there is no chance to me to do bad things. Hahahaha!!!
Because my appearance is safe enough, saving me from harm.

Just now, when I think of this, the one I want to share this thought was Jambu, who will always listen to me.
Because the last person who I thought he will listen to me, is not a sincere one.
I still do not know whether he is really fishing for girls, or just a misunderstanding statement.

Suddenly miss someone.
Maybe the someone is waiting for me in the future, he is the 50%, I am the 50%, that can make up as 100% couple????
I will wait.

Friendship

I think of my whole life, how many friends I have.
Kindergarten, I had a pretty friend that we did not actually talk but gave each other non-verbal signals when we were in class, we both like purple color, I remember that we showed each other our colored plasticine when we were in Art class, and when it is purple , we both happy with it.
But the next year, we were in different class and I think she forgot about me already.
I still remember but it in not clear. I re-met her during our primary school I think, but she cant remember anymore, she did not talk to me at all, she did not show any sign of knowing me.
The second year of kindergarten, I know a friend，MJ that I know her until now, because her mum knows my mum.
I remember that I bullied her. I feel bad now >.<
I also remember JW who was clever boy when he was young, and I heard that he admitted he was just cheating for the quizzes when in secondary school, and I felt stupid for amazed by him for so long.
CY, who became my friend for 3 years in secondary school. She played with me during rest time in the playground with JS, they chased me who wore rabbit jacket~
WQ, who just appeared in early of my life. Played with me with some lame games I think??
When I reached primary school, I was alone, because most of the kids were from another kindergarten, I have no friend.
Cause they were in gang, and I was an isolation body.
The only method I was playing with my toys at home and in school, I just focused in studying.
I made the smartest boy in my class,Jackson as my target, set improve my study above him as my game.
The head of 2 gangs were girls, that's why I did not play with girls. But my stamina and strength can not make me can play with my guy friends.
Then I had better result than him in standard 2.
The next year, the academically higher achievement students stay in 1 class.
I have more target to chase to.
I learnt with my full efforts, I think I kind of loving to learn that time. 
Until my school-mate plus my tuition-mate moved to my opposite house,KJ and be my neighbour, I lent him homework, he played badminton with me, and brought me and friends to play in Malay village and a stream there.
I was a girl who mostly stayed at home, until I found the limitation that I went out to cycling and my parents would not scold me.
My hobbies was cooking and planting, collecting unnecessary stuffs. Most important one was reading newspaper. Everyday the newspaper delivered to my house. One day I felt curious of it and I started reading it. I remember I always read the schedule of TV programmes so that I would not miss any interesting movie. And a good influence from SN was buying knowledgeable reading materials that I first exposed to. I watched TV a lot, and I learnt Malay from the subtitle, I watched Sabrina the witch, The Hercules, Robin Hood.
*I also went to buy ice stick from Malay family near my neighbourhood, alone ^.^Y*
*When I was older, the library was built and I went there to read cooking magazine (in Malay)^.^*
I played candles by myself, I feel great when I see my neighbours who have a lot siblings in near age that can play together.
Oh ya, I have another neighbour who knew each other since the age of 5, but our relationship was not so nice because some divergence of family education.
We played together, cycling, planting, feeding fish, playing with tadpole, and a lot of things.
We did have many sweet memories.
Finally my academic better than the girl who always get the first place for whole standard, SF and known that her sister was a more famous student.
I got a friend that time, who she did not like me previously, MW, and I was the class representative, she was the vice.
But until standard 5, she leaved me and be friend with others.
While all this happened, I remember I once close with XY, she is a pretty and cute girl.
I remember the bad thing I did to her, is that she was comforting me after me had a fight with others and I was too young to handle it, that I thought I was cool, and at the moment I did it, I regret, but I did not apologize.
I played with CK, and KN who has good academic result too.
Because we were the group who can discuss about our homework or what.
Meanwhile, I interacted with different group of people during my tuition.
We talked, we joked, we went to buy sweets after tuition, we played chasing game.
And then I remained no close friend until my end of primary school.
I think I was not so close with the new classmates from another school.
Then secondary school, I was close to a girl who has family business of snorkeling, LH. She played another game which has same theory with the cap of beer bottle in class.
I did not learn and I have no good strength, so I cant play.
I started to friend with QY and CY, we started cycling to tuition, they asked me to be independent, and that we can go out together to play in the evening.
They became my center of life.
We went to beach, we went to basketball court, we went to drumming together.
And then I knew Jambu, he is my best friend.
He is the one who know my darkest secret.
But we lost contact after he graduated from secondary school.
QY and CY never ask me to disconnect to other friends, they respect my decision, and they actually love me..
After I was disqualified to be their friends, JK came to my life, but just for half a year till 1 year.
I do not know why we were not so close anymore after that.
I think she was afraid to talk to me??
She become closer to her younger brother's classmates, until people said her was a lesbian, but I never mind of this.
But the friendship fade is a truth.
I was friend with MJ, CP and YT that time too, they are caring and lovely.
And I became SN enemy.
I think I was too naughty, ego???
That's why I always have no friend??

Until matriculation, I thought I can develop a good friendship with MW but reality is I got 3 closer friends, SL, SM and CC. Maybe the distance of hostel is the distance of 2 person hearts, and I was not who I am now. A girl who was more immature than the immature me now.
We were an isolated group.
In the same time, I got another classmate.
She had a problem with her floormate.
That she appreciates her floormate more than me, that even I tried to made her less lonely.

In university life, I am lucky because I met LF, who is 38 enough to talk to me the first night.
When I decide to walk around this campus.
They are a gang came from KMPk, ZL, SN plus, WC and her another 2 roommates, KY and HS. This made us a gang, everytime I think of this, I feel amazing!!
I love them very much.
While academically, I tried to mix with my classmate, but I failed.
GX and KK.
They are 1 year younger than me, I think that's why they have more common topic to talk to.
So I felt isolated and I did not try to mix with them anymore.

The second year, I did not pass my professional exam, that's why we had formed a special group of repeating students.
But actually we were widely separated.
Lyn was same room with Cindy, GX and Wendy was closer cause Wendy are more patient than me, Eva and Joanne were isolated in another block of hostel.
I became close friend with HS that time.
And ZL because of drumteam.
But everytime she will dump me away when she is with LT. Even in future.
SN was busy with HT that time, while KY likes to watch everything about Korean Pop Stars. LF and WC also been isolated in another block.
Sometimes, I tried to go to Cindy's room for interaction, but everyone seem to be busy with each other stuffs. I failed again.
The only success relationship is with WP.
I convinced her to travel with my family.
Since then I always went her room to disturb her.
We went outing together and traveled to Thailand together.

This year, after repeater group went to travel around, we become closer. We form an 38 ladies group.
We planned outing.
Especially me and Lyn, become best friends because we are in same academic group.
Cindy because we have same Chinese educated background.
Wendy and RL because we are roommate and actually I do not think my roommate will like me.
I am a selfish girl.
GX, still because we have same religious view, so we tried to come together.
But the truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I still the one who troubled her very much.
Example, this morning auntie was cooking herbal mee for me.
I thought of GX, and I willingly gave half of my herbal mee for her.
Actually I heard she said, Wa, so good we got herbal mee as breakfast.
And the another mee was just putting some seasoning with fried onion oil.
Sure, because I think of her will to eat that mee, I shared mt portion with her.
I swear, I was thinking that she will happy, that's why I did it.
And I kept looking for her to come out to eat.
When she finally came out for breakfast, she saw the potion that I leaved for her, (in another bowl)
She tried it and said, "why this is not tasty?
I smelled something nice from the kitchen."
It really hurt me a lot.
And I finally realized, I am not suitable to have strong friendship with her.
No matter how hard I try, I just can not be friend with certain people.
She never think of my priority.
Maybe I did something hurt her in my previous life or what.
I admit I can not stand of her previously but I tried to fix it, but she told me why to fix it?
Her method is, just let it be as long as do not make it worse.
And I do think it just can be better relationship, or else it will rotten.
I tried, and I failed.
And I will not try anymore.

Think

I have a feeling of great responsibility...
I should follow the way to have happiness or should I just be a normal sinful human being???
I am in dilemma...
Do I hope to marry, to have my kids??
Can I put down all the other things??
I need to think...

Presentation

I went to our house even the next day got presentation and I have not read it yet.
We did hear talk from Shifu and then we did movement meditation.
Later after reading the diaries of meditation, we did chanting and we watched ghost movie.
I regretted to go there yesterday of the ghost movie but I felt gratuity cause I get Luong Poo photos and Shifu belonging's photo.
I did not have lunch properly yesterday, and I was stressed, I was eating too fast, I was eating curry, I was watching ghost movie, I was sleeping too late, I was sleeping too less, so, I felt nausea when I was sleeping, I vomit it out once I stood up from my bed.. T.T
So suffering...
And I got very very much experience from previous presentation...
I got thicker and thicker face and will not feel embarrassment anymore.. T.T

Challenge

I know I need to accept challenge T.T
But I really scared, stress and unwilling to do it T.T
Finally we talked, but he did not want to get close with me so much.
I know, and I do not care anymore.
Now, I think I am just an observant.
Although I always look at him, but I did not have feeling to him anymore.

Speechless

I do not like to talk in public.
My academic is the worst thing in my life.
He asked me who am I in phone thrice.
I will just forget him and work for my new ambition now.

Weak sportman

When I was in camp, I did not think of him much, actually that is one of the precepts.
His name or face appeared appeared one or twice for the whole period, and also threw the thought once I think of him.
Yet, I heard of his name although I did not mention him at all.
First was when I told people I told others that "I will go walking." Because girls can not run or jog.
Then KS asked is it him who I told to...
Second day, they talked about him about he disappeared for a long time in lecture hall, and when GX saw him after the disappearance was on the newspaper.
He really a famous person in our lecture hall.
And then he was now seldom going to lecture hall, do not know why.
He rather sleeps in room even there are a lot of lectures.
This is different with last time that he will attend lectures if there are a few classes.
Now he is just going to PBL and clinical teaching.
Last Wednesday, I felt his attention.
He was looking at me when he was pretending looking to the board, I saw it, and I pretended I do not know it.
I do not know why I do that.
But frankly speaking, this is good for both.
Now I also do not want to find out whether he is looking at me or not.
Because I just want to peek on him without his knowledge.

He was coughing last week, now he appears with running nose.
Although his running nose never disappear, but today become worse.
Can see through his usage of tissue paper.
Last time when he had minor running nose, he just used his hands but now?
With tissue paper.

He wore black today.
That last week he wore the new clothes or clothes that he seldom wear.
I like the new clothes style.
I do not like the very clubbing type like today one.

I like the purple, the blue and the white and last week shirts.
I do not like the black, the red, and the shirt that he wore on the rehearsal of CCN, because they looks flirty on his body.

Meditation

I learnt meditation for a few months already, each month about 4-5 days of class.
Last week, I went to join the class for 5 days 4 nights.
I learnt a lot.
I also followed 5 precepts.
Today I followed 8 precepts.
I need to calm myself when I came back, cause all the things that can be seen in facebook can pollute my mind.
And I think I broke the precepts easily...
But I still will do it, they are rites of purification.
Sadhu...