Friendship

I think of my whole life, how many friends I have.
Kindergarten, I had a pretty friend that we did not actually talk but gave each other non-verbal signals when we were in class, we both like purple color, I remember that we showed each other our colored plasticine when we were in Art class, and when it is purple , we both happy with it.
But the next year, we were in different class and I think she forgot about me already.
I still remember but it in not clear. I re-met her during our primary school I think, but she cant remember anymore, she did not talk to me at all, she did not show any sign of knowing me.
The second year of kindergarten, I know a friend，MJ that I know her until now, because her mum knows my mum.
I remember that I bullied her. I feel bad now >.<
I also remember JW who was clever boy when he was young, and I heard that he admitted he was just cheating for the quizzes when in secondary school, and I felt stupid for amazed by him for so long.
CY, who became my friend for 3 years in secondary school. She played with me during rest time in the playground with JS, they chased me who wore rabbit jacket~
WQ, who just appeared in early of my life. Played with me with some lame games I think??
When I reached primary school, I was alone, because most of the kids were from another kindergarten, I have no friend.
Cause they were in gang, and I was an isolation body.
The only method I was playing with my toys at home and in school, I just focused in studying.
I made the smartest boy in my class,Jackson as my target, set improve my study above him as my game.
The head of 2 gangs were girls, that's why I did not play with girls. But my stamina and strength can not make me can play with my guy friends.
Then I had better result than him in standard 2.
The next year, the academically higher achievement students stay in 1 class.
I have more target to chase to.
I learnt with my full efforts, I think I kind of loving to learn that time. 
Until my school-mate plus my tuition-mate moved to my opposite house,KJ and be my neighbour, I lent him homework, he played badminton with me, and brought me and friends to play in Malay village and a stream there.
I was a girl who mostly stayed at home, until I found the limitation that I went out to cycling and my parents would not scold me.
My hobbies was cooking and planting, collecting unnecessary stuffs. Most important one was reading newspaper. Everyday the newspaper delivered to my house. One day I felt curious of it and I started reading it. I remember I always read the schedule of TV programmes so that I would not miss any interesting movie. And a good influence from SN was buying knowledgeable reading materials that I first exposed to. I watched TV a lot, and I learnt Malay from the subtitle, I watched Sabrina the witch, The Hercules, Robin Hood.
*I also went to buy ice stick from Malay family near my neighbourhood, alone ^.^Y*
*When I was older, the library was built and I went there to read cooking magazine (in Malay)^.^*
I played candles by myself, I feel great when I see my neighbours who have a lot siblings in near age that can play together.
Oh ya, I have another neighbour who knew each other since the age of 5, but our relationship was not so nice because some divergence of family education.
We played together, cycling, planting, feeding fish, playing with tadpole, and a lot of things.
We did have many sweet memories.
Finally my academic better than the girl who always get the first place for whole standard, SF and known that her sister was a more famous student.
I got a friend that time, who she did not like me previously, MW, and I was the class representative, she was the vice.
But until standard 5, she leaved me and be friend with others.
While all this happened, I remember I once close with XY, she is a pretty and cute girl.
I remember the bad thing I did to her, is that she was comforting me after me had a fight with others and I was too young to handle it, that I thought I was cool, and at the moment I did it, I regret, but I did not apologize.
I played with CK, and KN who has good academic result too.
Because we were the group who can discuss about our homework or what.
Meanwhile, I interacted with different group of people during my tuition.
We talked, we joked, we went to buy sweets after tuition, we played chasing game.
And then I remained no close friend until my end of primary school.
I think I was not so close with the new classmates from another school.
Then secondary school, I was close to a girl who has family business of snorkeling, LH. She played another game which has same theory with the cap of beer bottle in class.
I did not learn and I have no good strength, so I cant play.
I started to friend with QY and CY, we started cycling to tuition, they asked me to be independent, and that we can go out together to play in the evening.
They became my center of life.
We went to beach, we went to basketball court, we went to drumming together.
And then I knew Jambu, he is my best friend.
He is the one who know my darkest secret.
But we lost contact after he graduated from secondary school.
QY and CY never ask me to disconnect to other friends, they respect my decision, and they actually love me..
After I was disqualified to be their friends, JK came to my life, but just for half a year till 1 year.
I do not know why we were not so close anymore after that.
I think she was afraid to talk to me??
She become closer to her younger brother's classmates, until people said her was a lesbian, but I never mind of this.
But the friendship fade is a truth.
I was friend with MJ, CP and YT that time too, they are caring and lovely.
And I became SN enemy.
I think I was too naughty, ego???
That's why I always have no friend??

Until matriculation, I thought I can develop a good friendship with MW but reality is I got 3 closer friends, SL, SM and CC. Maybe the distance of hostel is the distance of 2 person hearts, and I was not who I am now. A girl who was more immature than the immature me now.
We were an isolated group.
In the same time, I got another classmate.
She had a problem with her floormate.
That she appreciates her floormate more than me, that even I tried to made her less lonely.

In university life, I am lucky because I met LF, who is 38 enough to talk to me the first night.
When I decide to walk around this campus.
They are a gang came from KMPk, ZL, SN plus, WC and her another 2 roommates, KY and HS. This made us a gang, everytime I think of this, I feel amazing!!
I love them very much.
While academically, I tried to mix with my classmate, but I failed.
GX and KK.
They are 1 year younger than me, I think that's why they have more common topic to talk to.
So I felt isolated and I did not try to mix with them anymore.

The second year, I did not pass my professional exam, that's why we had formed a special group of repeating students.
But actually we were widely separated.
Lyn was same room with Cindy, GX and Wendy was closer cause Wendy are more patient than me, Eva and Joanne were isolated in another block of hostel.
I became close friend with HS that time.
And ZL because of drumteam.
But everytime she will dump me away when she is with LT. Even in future.
SN was busy with HT that time, while KY likes to watch everything about Korean Pop Stars. LF and WC also been isolated in another block.
Sometimes, I tried to go to Cindy's room for interaction, but everyone seem to be busy with each other stuffs. I failed again.
The only success relationship is with WP.
I convinced her to travel with my family.
Since then I always went her room to disturb her.
We went outing together and traveled to Thailand together.

This year, after repeater group went to travel around, we become closer. We form an 38 ladies group.
We planned outing.
Especially me and Lyn, become best friends because we are in same academic group.
Cindy because we have same Chinese educated background.
Wendy and RL because we are roommate and actually I do not think my roommate will like me.
I am a selfish girl.
GX, still because we have same religious view, so we tried to come together.
But the truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I still the one who troubled her very much.
Example, this morning auntie was cooking herbal mee for me.
I thought of GX, and I willingly gave half of my herbal mee for her.
Actually I heard she said, Wa, so good we got herbal mee as breakfast.
And the another mee was just putting some seasoning with fried onion oil.
Sure, because I think of her will to eat that mee, I shared mt portion with her.
I swear, I was thinking that she will happy, that's why I did it.
And I kept looking for her to come out to eat.
When she finally came out for breakfast, she saw the potion that I leaved for her, (in another bowl)
She tried it and said, "why this is not tasty?
I smelled something nice from the kitchen."
It really hurt me a lot.
And I finally realized, I am not suitable to have strong friendship with her.
No matter how hard I try, I just can not be friend with certain people.
She never think of my priority.
Maybe I did something hurt her in my previous life or what.
I admit I can not stand of her previously but I tried to fix it, but she told me why to fix it?
Her method is, just let it be as long as do not make it worse.
And I do think it just can be better relationship, or else it will rotten.
I tried, and I failed.
And I will not try anymore.