Marriage

I just saw the news of Nicholas and Cecelia may get back together.
So I happily tell their stories to Lyn and Wendy.
And they said my concept of marriage is wrong.
The concept of divorce because of a purpose of warning.
I do not understand.
If my husband cheat on me, did something that beyond what I can stand, then I do not have a right to separate with him??
Seriously, if my husband drink, smoke, drug, gambling, going to prostitute, have any unclear relationship with other girls, I can not stand.
And for Cecelia case, before that I do not understand why she can not be nice with the guy.
But later people told me if a wife really think of her husband's feeling, she will not have that kind of actions...
I believe I will avoid that person who may embarrass my husband.
Somemore Nicholas chose to stand by her when the news of the photos published on those magazines.
He supported her a lot.
It can really hurt the husband, just like she did not cherish how difficult they can be together.
Showed to the public one already so hard, how many hardship more under the table???

And Lyn said that marriage is a sacred thing in our life. She will just marry once.
She said I took marriage as a game, took divorce as a warning, if she was a guy, she will not marry me.

So, when I feel so disappointed with my husband, when I feel I being betrayed by my husband, I can not choose to separate with him???

I said, I will give him a second chance.

She said, so you divorce with him and say, you will remarry him? Then why you divorce with him??
By the way, why you marry him in the first place?? And you want to give a second chance, she should give him before divorce. Marriage is a sacred thing and you marry and divorce and marry and divorce and marry???

I told her that this depends on how he behaves and his attitudes after divorced. And he is the same guy who I marry and divorce and marry. I am not marry to a lot of guys.

I kept saying that until I told her, the husband become nicer, better, wants you back so much, chasing you and touch you heart for second time.
Then she said, oh, you mean he chases you and you fall for him again??? Now I understand you.

She said I became so defensive, and of course.
She misunderstood me and thought that I took marriage as a game, I can not agree with her statement about me.

Although I can choose to keep silence and smile to her, just do not care.
But I know I acted like that because I still treat her a friend.
If one day I do not argue anymore, mean I do not care of outside world anymore.

Well, back to the topic, opposite to what Lyn said about me, because I care of my marriage too much, that's why I need divorce.
If my husband drink, I ask him to stop drinking,
If my husband smoke, I ask him to quit smoking.
If my husband get into drug or gambling, before I marry him, I will ask him not to get involve in these kind of things, I do not need a husband who has no self-esteem that need use chemical to make him happy, and I do not want a husband who likes to use his luck and show his greed, instead, should contented with what we have.
If my husband go for prostituting, then I just can not accept that my husband need sex so much as the main interest in life?? The sex is just a gift for 2 people who love each other, to have a chance to experience happiness together, although the timing might not the same.
If my husband have an or more than one unclear relationships with girls, then what is the point for me to hold a man who his heart not belong to me anymore????
If my husband show violence after marriage, I will straight divorce, because love is not like that. I can not stand staying in fear everyday not knowing when I will get beaten.

This is my borderline. So when husband cross the line, I do not know what will I do that time, but if I really want to divorce, then why not let me do it???
Why I should keep tolerate??

I am sure I still love him, that's why I marry him.
That's why too, I will give him a second chance.
That if he wants me back so much, and observe what he will do once we get divorce.
Maybe he will get into relation with other??? Because I let him free, he feel grate to divorce with me.
Maybe he will just wait for me to forgive him??? Because he regrets with what he did and wants to change.
Maybe he just wants to see the kids if we already have children??? Because he loves the kids.

But, Lyn and Wendy did not give me chance to explain myself actually, they still hold the concept that I take marriage as a game.

While I tried to explain this to them, my face was burning and turned so red...
Lyn asked why I was not shy when I talked about sex.
Because I think sex is superficial while marriage is sacred and deep, that's why I shy to talk about marriage.
She thinks that I am weird, because sex is the thing that more shy to talk about.

I do not know how to describe but maybe I think sex is about the body and marriage is about the spirit.
That's why I feel I am telling the important and cherish thoughts of mine???
So actually I was showing her my true part, but she just took it for granted, that's why I seldom show my real feeling.
I am hurt that's why I am defensive.
And I am hurt when I show my true colors and no one understand me.

So I made myself like a clown, use many colors to hide my true colors.
Do the opposite things to cover what actually I wanted to do...

Not much people can appreciate me, not much...